“Final Boss Sour x DashMart Level 4 Cola Cherries!”
“When do we want them?”
“As long as we’re within 15 miles of a major U.S. city — in 25 to 30 minutes!”
Such was the protest outside the Tomlinson home in Tukwila, WA last night
Young Tania and Timmy refused to settle for the fortune cookies that came with their Mongolian Beef and Sweet & Sour Prawns from Yummy Garden in Renton. They wanted to level up their takeout with the tangiest collab ever to hit the gig economy
Level 4 Cola Cherries—real dried tart cherries blasted with the Final Boss’ Level 4 sour acids and dusted with crystallized natural cola flavor
"It’s like being at the movies and eating your sour patch and your cherry coke at the same time, only its actually sour and not going to cause a hyperglycemic crash" says Tania (15)
Best part? They’re on-demand only, exclusively via DoorDash. Available now in most major cities nationwide
CITY HAPPENINGS
LOW ON BAD VIBES, FINAL BOSS TAPS STINGY TO STIR UP THE HATE AS HIS HENCHMEN MOVE INTO GRIMESQUARE
Concerned that Hank and Quinnie might conquer Clawrissa and gain access to Level 3 Cranberries, The Final Boss has ordered his reserve goons to take over level enforcement in Grimesquare
And while he expected the move to generate some bad press, he is reportedly pissy about the broad Gooberlandian support for the city’s independence from the sour regime
Therefore in order to remind the public about why urban opposition is awful, he appointed Stingy, one of his newest minibosses, as Chief Pot Stirrer on the special project
The scorpion is a rugged recluse preinclined to hate everyone
He’s never set a tarsus in a city, freeing him to spew decades-old tropes without risk of empathy
And while he’s only a few days into his new post, he has already penned a few zingers to aid the boss like:
“Grimsequare rooftops are overrun with breakdancers, drop ninjas, and bears throwing flaming oil drums for fun”
“Walking the streets you meet the same pixelated gang of bad guys 12 times until you reach the checkpoint”
“The pizza box powerups are laced with gloobergak smuggled in by illegal muskrats”
And while none of Stingy’s claims have any discernible level of proof, the velocity at which they are coming out has put the entire city on edge
LEVEL 4 CANDY-INSPIRED METAL BAND “THE BLOOD SOURANGES” OPEN UP FOR ACID BATH IN BALTIMORE SHOW
Greg “Ear Fister” Robinson had long since given up on music, work, family, and any pretense of contributing to society
After getting booted from his last band — Hemorrhage Hammock — for being a walking buzzkill, Robinson retreated into huffing keyboard cleaner in a bid to feel anything
But even the hardest stuff below his sink couldn’t make the death bassist feel anything
“The deep cirtusy sour really cut through the eternal overcast that had creeped over my soul. I feel alive and now I have something to scream about again”
Ear Fister recruited a couple mopecore bros from his D&D league to round out the band, and the Blood Souranges were resurrected
Readers interested in banging are encouraged to see them perform their hit “Dried Oranges/Fried Appendages” at the Power Plant Live on August 16th
NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. Ends 8/31/25. Must be: i) a legal US resident of the 50 US or DC and age of majority or ii) a legal resident of Canada (excl. Quebec) and age of majority at time of entry. Subject to Official Rules sharedsweeps.com/rules. Void where prohibited. Sponsored By Shared Sweeps.
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