DUMPSTER CRAB CONVERTS TWEAKED TEENS INTO TROPICAL SAMPLER FANS ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏
- Law enforcement has tracked a resurgence of incidents – all caught on film – where innocent customers, about to consume a product, are interrupted by a pitch from a competitor’s mascot
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The latest happened this week when Dumpster Crab – a half man, half crab, half dumpster loosely associated with Final Boss Sour – made a hard sell for the Ultimate Tropical Sampler Pack outside of a Circle K in Danbury, CT
- Dumpster Crab even broke out into a familiar song and dance, in a move that is definitely protected by parody law
- Will the nostalgic tunes and shoddy backup puppets convince the teens to dump their sour berry belts in favor of real fruit? Tune in to find out!
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DERPY SPIDER FINDS NEW AUTHORITATIVE TONE BY ADDING “AS A (BLANK)” BEFORE HIS SHALLOW DECLARATIONS
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The Gazette has discovered that since Arachnothorn was appointed miniboss of Cranberry Level 1 in October 2023, he has used the framing device “As a (fill in the blank)” to begin his public statements over 7,000 times
- His use of the ethos qualifier is up 350% year over year, boosted by the steady stream of new titles and assignments handed down from The Final Boss
- For example, just yesterday he tweeted: “As a chief administrator of pipeline and hazardous materials safety, I know that our drinking water must maintain its tanness and curds”
- The former town kook turned boss of Eldergloom Forest now holds at least 11 leadership positions in the Final Boss administration — the most of any current miniboss
- Chief of Staff Connie says the spider’s main qualification is his “inability to realize he is a fall guy”
- “As a Chief Bridge Inspector, I work tirelessly to study the correlation between rocks and gravity,” Arachnothorn declared on TikTok from the Widowmaker Walkway above the Ductape Dam
- Sources say the way he closes his eight eyes, touches his heart, and takes a performative breath before delivering each authority qualifier is enough to inflict Level 4 Sour Shivers on even the most tolerant townspeople
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WITH SWEEPSTAKES ENTRIES TRIPLING, EXPERTS URGE CASH CONVERSION TO SOUR FRUIT FOR MAXIMUM ROI
- With stock markets whipsawing and mortgage rates still in “are-you-kidding-me” territory, retail investors are scrambling for a safe haven for their hard-earned cash
- In order to stimulate the economy, The Final Boss today announced that entries to the $100K—or every gaming console/game ever made—sweepstakes are now 3x per dollar spent
- Translation: every buck dropped at finalbosssour.com earns you three golden tickets to the greatest sweepstakes in sour candy history
- “This is a sick arb, bro,” said Hunter Cashman, Chief Investment Strategist at Brogan, Staxx & Yield. “Grab an Ultimate Berry Sampler Box today and you’re getting triple the entries you could last week. This thing prints, get involved now”
- Miami import tycoon Anthony Montana laid out his foolproof 3-step investment plan: “First you spend the money. Then you get the Mango Dippers. Then you get GoldenEye on 64 — for days.”
- The 3x entries investment plan is available for qualified sourheads today
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WITH NINE DAYS TO GO, DOES CLAYTON HAVE ENOUGH OF A CUSHION TO COVER A 3X ENTRY BUYING FRENZY?
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (Summer '25):
1.CLYTN A - BLFNT, OH...912 bags
2.MXFLD N - ML VL, CA...564 bags
3.SPH T - LA, CA........504 bags
4.GSTV R - WHTR, CA.....492 bags
5.SKYL C - RNV, PA......456 bags
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Got a Scoop?:
If we run it, you win free stuff!
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NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. Ends 8/31/25. Must be: i) a legal US resident of the 50 US or DC and age of majority or ii) a legal resident of Canada (excl. Quebec) and age of majority at time of entry. Subject to Official Rules sharedsweeps.com/rules. Void where prohibited. Sponsored By Shared Sweeps.
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