HAUNTED HOUSE PROPRIETOR NOW PROMISES TO TERRIFY YOUR INSIDES WITH SOUR BLUEBERRIES
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- Dead Fred’s Haunted Hoochie in Lockport, IL promises “a full sensory assault”
- But Fred Schneiderman, who runs the joint, admits that was a bit misleading
- “Ear shattering screams, horrific smells, traumatizing visuals, squishy feels – I got covered” Schneiderman tells The Gazette “But I’ve never been able to strike fear into the tastebuds…until now”
- Dead Fred is referring to his discovery of Final Boss Sour Level 3 Blueberries
“Now I feed my audience the blueberries right after the simulated live demon birth. The intense sourness lights up their taste receptors. The signal then travels to the gustatory cortex in the brain, which interprets the event as “F’in SOUR!”, usually followed by involuntary wincing, salivation, and the full-body pucker”
- Schneiderman says the re-orienting, panic-calming aftershock of the blueberries also gives patrons a false sense of safety before entering “The Infirmary” — a wing where restrained, bloodied “patients” whisper unsettling biographical details about guests’ relatives, scraped from their online pre-registrations
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ARACHNOTHORN SHEEPISHLY JOINS THE FEDERAL TROOPS TO OCCUPY ELDERGLOOM, THE LEVEL HE USED TO RULE
- It was only weeks ago when Quinne stuffed Arachnothorn’s midgut diverticula with sour cranberries – exploding the spider, defeating Cranberry Level 1 and liberating Eldergloom Forrest from the Final Boss’ sour rule
- Yet the woodland has bounced back to its pre-authoritarian condition. The trails are lined with bustling acorn vendors and performance robins, and fluffles of young bunnies are once again holding paws and playing in the meadows
- But predictably, the butthurt Final Boss has launched a counterattack on the cute critter community, dispatching over 200 reserve goons to reclaim the level
- Among the mangy jackals and mutant warthogs expected to march the trails this week, Eldergloomians might spot a familiar face: Arachnothorn himself
- Fresh out of Defeated UnderMiniBoss Extreme Rehabilitation (“DUMBER”), the eight-legged ex-despot has joined the stooge force as a low-level grunt
- Unable to confront his leadership failures, the spider insists he and the Final Boss are “playing 3D Chest.”
- “We’ve set the trap,” Arachnothorn tells The Gazette. “Once we unleash our army against the Pup Scouts’ Annual Whistleberry Parade, I’m sure I’ll be reinstalled as the supreme leader of the forest”
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CHAFING DISH VOTED LEAST APPEALING NAME AMONG TABLEWARE PEERS
- “Help yourself to some of Francine’s tuna casserole – its warming in that chafing dish” was probably the worst sentence uttered at the Buena Vista elementary school Fall Fundraiser last Sunday
- When function guests are weighing whether to add gray mystery meatballs to their paper plates, they prefer not to be reminded of burning red skin irritations caused by excess friction
- In a recent brand association test conducted by Partyware Limited Organization of Pennsylvania (“PLOOP”), the stimulus word “chafing” associated with “nipples” “rash” and “groin” 3 times more than with “delicious food”
- In the same study, PLOOP analysts identified a rising newcomer in the awkward gathering serviceware space: The Ultimate Berry Sampler Box by Final Boss Sour
- “Our respondents say it arrives at your doorstep party ready, simply place the box on a table, open it up and let guests navigate the fruit and sour level matrix” says Patty Piocosta, PLOOP President
- So in summary, its Sour Berry Sampler up (⬆️) and Chafing Dish down (⬇️) in the multipleish use serving power rankings
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GRANT FROM COLORADO MOVES UP THE RANKINGS
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (FALL '25):
1.ANTN K - GRN HLS, CA...372 bags
2.CLYTN A - BLFNT, OH....348 bags
3.KVN C - CYN CTRY, CA...312 bags
4.GRNT R - ARVD, CO......288 bags
5.STH W - CRML, IN.......264 bags
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