LEVEL 4 SOUR APPLES VOTED ‘BEST OBJECT TO STICK IN SADIE SMITH’S SANDWICH’ BY MEAN GIRLS AT CHARTDALE HIGH
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- College Park, MD: When it comes to killing time between excluding losers and lunch dismissal, nothing beats f***ing with Sadie Smith’s food
- “She deserves it. I mean who eats a sandwich!?” says Sadie’s “friend” Soraya
- For weeks, Soraya, Stella and Sloane have been sticking disgusting and dangerous items into Sadie’s sandwich while she gazes at the boys fencing team
- But after earthworms, cat hair, and half a bottle of Pepper X, they were running low on ideas
- But then Stella discovered Final Boss Sour Level 4 Green Apples and now the perfect prank
- “First of all, they blend in. Sadie has been checking between the bread since her last school-nurse visit and at a quick glance, the glistening apples look like the harissa pickles in her salami on sourdough. Second, they are hella sour, and Sadie can barely handle level 1. Third, deep down I know this is just about my insecurity, so why not prank her with something natural and long-term harmless”
- To perpetuate the cycle of bullying, Sloane's 2nd grade sister Scarlett just got the fun size version of level 4 apples and strawberries. So check your lunchables lil’ tikes!
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MEET YOUR MINIBOSS SERIES PROFILES PHOSMAR
In a recurring series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland’s minibosses. In today’s episode, reporter David O’Neal-Gerardo profiles Phosmar, the apex predator of the midnight zone and miniboss of Kiwi Level 2
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David O’Neal-Gerardo: Mr. Phosmar, thank you for seeing me at this late hour
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Phosmar: Its always midnight here in Abysmal Maw, where the wretched feed on the slightly less wretched
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DONG: It is quite the level you have built here surrounding your Level 2 Sour Kiwis. I almost got flagooned by two electric gulper eels on my way in to interview you!
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P: Yes, I had to activate easy mode to let you through. If that Hank decides to descend here he will end up phosphorized in a pile of my bioluminescent mucus!
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DONG: I’ll deliver the message. You’ve also got quite the treasure locker down here, enough gold and trinkets to buy Mombassa
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P: I’ve got dubloons in snuffbox aplenty. I’ve got gold teeth and earrings galore
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DONG: Heh, anything else?
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P: You want masonic nefs?
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DONG: Yeah
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P: I’ve got twenty. But who cares. No big deal. I want moooore
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DONG: And what is that?
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P: I want to be…where Shellsea is. I want to taste her brine, wanna see her molting
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DONG: You mean Blueberry Level 2 miniboss…
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P: Up where she crawls, up where she lies, up where she pees from nozzles near her eyes!
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DONG: Is this…is this why you’ve agreed to work for the Final Boss?
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P: He told me if i killed a bunch of rebels and guarded his fruits that he would bring us together in Inter-crustycephalic bliss
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DONG: Good luck with that
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THERAPIST KEEPS SOUR CRANBERRIES IN AN ‘ANXIETY PLANT’
- In an August Amazon review of Level 3 Cranberries, therapist Tangerinejess revealed that she keeps Final Boss Sour products inside the false bottom of the ‘anxiety plant’ in her office
- Dr. Tangerine says giving panicked clients the crans “will pull all the anxiety right out of the mind”
- The genius move has inspired several other professionals to follow suit
- Mechanic Ray Oilrag tells The Gazette he keeps Level 1 Blueberries in a brake rotor box to relive his impostor syndrome while extracting a snapped exhaust stud from a cylinder head
- Chiropractor Patella McCracken stashes Level 2 Strawberry Mango pouches in a face cushion to chill her clients out over rejected insurance claims
- And barber Giuseppe Soffiare has an entire Tropical Sampler Pack stuffed in a fake Barbacide jar for when his clients go “all gagootz over my choppy fades”
- For tips on how to incorporate hidden Final Boss Sour into your profession, go down the rabbit hole around diversion safes and buy your candy here
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ANTOINE FROM CA HEARING THE FOOTSTEPS OF CLAYTON FROM OH CREEPING ON HIS LEAD
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (FALL '25):
1.ANTN K - GRN HLS, CA...372 bags
2.CLYTN A - BLFNT, OH....204 bags
3.TM L - LS VGS, NV......252 bags
4.GRNT R - ARVD, CO......252 bags
5.KVN C - CYN CTRY, CA...228 bags
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