NEW FINAL BOSS SOUR FUN-SIZED: YOUR PERMISSION SLIP TO GO FULL SEND HALLOWEEN TODAY
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- Even as the country grapples with weighty issues, Americans are caught in a private battle: the impulse to start Halloween full-throttle today, versus the fear that doing so too soon will look embarrassingly basic
- Fortunately, for those sweating while fingering the open hatch of a giant storage bin of animatronic skeletons, today sour fruit juggernaut Final Boss Sour is delivering some much needed clarity
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Level 4 fun-sized sour apples and strawberries are here. Individually wrapped, mouth-warping natural “warheads” are the perfect flex for tactfully signaling your Hallowgeek
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Gazette holiday ham editor Gail Snail explains
“These things are brand new – no one else has them. You can buy 50, dump them in your pumpkin bowl, and throw them on your desk. Trust me, you’ll look way cooler than Jan from Receivables with her Hershey’s mix in a HomeGoods tray that says ‘Get Goblin’ in glitter font
Plus, they are way more sour than corn-syrup-forward Warheads, giving you incremental holiday street cred
Pro tip, pony up for the 100-pack, save 25 bones (oh I’m so ghoulish!) and get the exclusive Final Boss Halloween Collectors Box
- With that settled, Happy Halloween to all!
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AT GENERAL ASSEMBLY OF CANDY SEGMENTS, FINAL BOSS DELIVERS EMBARRASSINGLY NARROW VIEW OF THE CANDY AISLE
- “Chocolate bars are just mushy mud legos for simple saps” was just one of the many divisive and isolationist remarks made by the Final Boss at yesterday’s Candy Aisle Council Assembly or “CACA”
- “SweetTarts are neither. It’s like a janitor saw a kid in detention eating chalk and thought ‘that’s my ticket out of this mop-toting hellhole!’
- The blistering comments were delivered via Cranberry Level 2 miniboss Jawslicer, Gooberland’s CACA Ambassador, as puppet with the Boss – who remains anonymous – pulling the strings and supplying the masked audio
- Despite the statistic that only 11% of the population (and 99% of the Gazette's readership) are raging sourheads, The Final Boss is said to firmly believe that his is the only way
- With his current cabinet of dim lackeys, these views go unchallenged, creating stark and awkward displays of Kool-aid drinking whenever he ventures out of his safe space
- “Gummies only exist because we outlawed whale meat. Let’s go back to gnawing on Shamu, it's more satisfying than the worms and bears represented here today” was delivered to a speechless crowd
- And while the speech was panned across the greater snack food community, Lugjaw said it was “worthy of the Nobel Sour Peach Prize”
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MOVING THROUGH THE COUNTRY, EVERYONE’S GONNA EAT A LOT OF PEACHES
- In 1995, alt-rock trio The Presidents of the United States of America sang about “nature’s candy in my hand or can or pie”
- The song was Peaches and it ripened to #29 on the Billboard charts, planting the pit and forming the twisty roots of what would become nature’s #1 sour candy 30 years later
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Level 3 Punch-Out Peaches debuted last week and is now the #1 fastest growing sour candy SKU on TikTok shop
- Like The POTUSA foretold, these peaches come from a can, and were put there by a man
- That man then blasts these sun-dried bulges with the Final Boss’ Level 3 punch-flavored sour acids, and bags them up so you can eat you a lot of peaches
- However, there are not millions of peaches for you, this is a limited drop and so you must act fast before there is no room in the inventory for an ant to hide
- Look out!
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2X CHAMPION CLAYTON FROM OHIO CREEPS INTO THE 4 SPOT
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (FALL '25):
1.ANTN K - GRN HLS, CA...372 bags
2.JSPH M - SHRLN, WA.....216 bags
3.TNA C - MYNRD, MA......204 bags
4.CLYTN A - BLFNT, OH....204 bags
5.JSPH T - W NYCK, NY....192 bags
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