WITH FINAL BOSS IN HIS CORNER, JAMES SEO KNOCKS OUT SEPTEMBER’S DROP: LEVEL 3 PUNCH-OUT PEACHES ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏
- TikTok legend James Seo challenged the Final Boss to a collab – and everything turned out peachy
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Real juicy peaches, uppercut with Level 3 sour acids, deliver tangy chin music for all to enjoy
- In the 1987 NES classic Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!, Little Mac fights his way through a colorful cast before facing lowercase final boss Mike Tyson
- Players used pattern recognition and button-mashing to propel the 107 lb, 17-year-old Mac (seventeen!?!) to the title
- 38 years later, Seo honors the underdog by challenging a scary AF dude to throw hands
- James may have a puncher’s chance, but when Level 3 sour enters the ring, we’re all gonna get our 🍑s kicked
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BRUMBLEBUTT PRE-HEATS UPCOMING HALLOWEEN PRODUCT RELEASES
Brumblebutt is the sucklin’ and swashbucklin’ miniboss of Strawberry Mango Level 2. As part of the Gazette’s Spineless Subjugation Settlement with the Final Boss, he is allowed to hawk his master’s sour wares in this poorly written column
- Yarrrgh readers – tis me, Brumblebutt
- Whilst the summer sun still blazes, ye may have noticed that the pillaged lots along the strip malls are now Spirit Halloweens
- That can only mean one thing: new ghoulish offerings and devilish deals from Final Boss Sour be on the horizon. Spend ho!
- Me boss ordered me to “pre-heat” these treasures so I’ve been sittin’ on ’em for a fortnight
- And while I must keep ye double eye-patched on the details, here’s a sneak peek under the buns of what lay in store for the eerie weeks ahead:
- Contraptions makin’ sour fruit the deadliest loot in yer trick bag
- Hijinks from a cast o’ ghastly rogues new and old
- Events slicin’ prices like a cutlass through bilgewater
- A drop in October sure to haunt yer dreams for eternity
- I’ve said too much—back to me hard tack and whistlin’ I go. Now quit gawkin’ and plunder yerselves some peaches—they be fu**in’ great
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IN AN UNEXPECTED TWIST, CONTEST WINNER CHOOSES $100,000 OVER A GARAGE FULL OF GAMING HARDWARE
- Last month, blitz-scaling sour fruit startup Final Boss Sour ran a sweepstakes
- The prize: every video game console ever made, plus all the popular games that go with each console, plus a trip to the gaming district in Tokyo!!!
- Or, $100,000 cash
- Well this week the winner was drawn and Dre from Bozeman, MT was crowned champion
- And, after what The Gazette can only assume were hours of painful deliberation and meticulous number crunching, the young Montanan opted for the cash
- Sources say Dre made the decision after consulting her financial team consisting of “anyone with common sense”
- The Final Boss himself, now 100 racks lighter and sitting on a shipping container full of Japanese plastic and circuit breakers, is reportedly dismayed and depressed by the prize selection
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Gazette readers are encouraged to text CHEERUP to him at (424) 544 3838 to see if he will part with a consolation prize
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TIANA FROM MASS CRASHES THE TOP THREE
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (FALL '25):
1.ANTN K - GRN HLS, CA...252 bags
2.JSPH M - SHRLN, WA.....216 bags
3.TNA C - MYNRD, MA......204 bags
4.JRD I - TGA, ND........168 bags
5.CHRS L - ODZ, TX.......144 bags
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If we run it, you win free stuff!
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