HALLOWEEN SOUR FRUIT CART EXPECTED TO TURN TO PUMPKIN AT MIDNIGHT
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Hollister, CA: For eight brisk October nights, Sabrina Saltzman has been sitting on a shopping cart from finalbosssour.com
- And not just any cart — a Halloween doozy containing two boxes of Fun Size Level 4 Strawberries, a four-pack of Level 3 Cantaloupe Dippers, a Tropical Sampler Box, two 4-packs of Level 4 Green Apples and a single pack add-on of Level 3 Blue Raspberry Mango Dippers
- “I want to be the fun house on the block this year,” Saltzman tells The Gazette, “but the emotional abuse dealt by my over-the-top neighbors with their inflatable graveyards and condescending looks has left me feeling worthless.”
- Last Wednesday, like a visit from a fairy godmother, Sabrina stumbled upon a TikTok from the sour fruit brand — and thought it might be her chance to reclaim her right to be seen and valued
- The graphic designer knows that having the most sour candy on the block will win her the admiration of the neighborhood children, yet she’s been too gun-shy to click Check Out, haunted by the belief that she doesn’t deserve joy
- Now, with Halloween just five business days away — and her address in FedEx Zone 7 from the Final Boss’ pungent dungeon — it’s either tonight or never
- What will Sabrina do, and for that matter, what will YOU do?
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MEET YOUR MINIBOSS SERIES PROFILES EL SQUAWKO
In a recurring series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland’s minibosses. In today’s episode, reporter Michael Ian Daniels profiles El Squawko, the quetzal king of the mango trade and miniboss of Mango Level 3
Feast drums thump; lanterns sway; mango-sugar smoke curls through the compound
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Michael Ian Daniels: El Padrino thank you for seeing me
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El Squawko: You come to me, while my family is enjoying the feast of Día de San Juan de Capistrano, and you want to know what?
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MID: I mean no disrespect. It's just that The Final Boss threatened my newspaper The Gooberland Gazette, and now we have to do puff pieces on all his minibosses
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ES: I understand, I too have the media of the Barrio Ácido under my talon
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MID: I’m sure you do. So, your outfit has run the North-South Gooberland mango trade since long before The Final Boss re-took power. Why cut him into the action?
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ES: I am but a humble businessman. As with most of my completely legal, multibillion-peso deals, this one involved the public destruction — and imprisonment — of certain rivals
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MID: Noice. So what’s in it for the big man?
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ES: This Final Boss is not as strong as you cowering cowards make him out to be. He needs me to gain a stronghold in South Gooberland. And one day the people of this land will wise up and realize they do not have to live with acid-coated sidewalks and lemon juice drinking water. And when they revolt, only I have the network of awful animals to smash the rebellion into the sour shake you find in the bottom of my mango bags
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MID: Jesus…
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ES: Don’t clutch your pearls paperboy. People like you. You need me. You need the bad guy
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MID: Thank you for your time
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BIG HONEYDEW FLAILING IN CHAOS AFTER CANTALOUPE CHOSEN FOR OCTOBER DROP
- “For centuries, we were the more palatable melon. Our out of touch marketing department really fu**ed us on this one!” said Mel Dewberger, Chairman and CEO of Honeydew Worldwide (NYSE: HDEW), the worldwide purveyor of honeydew melons
- When Dewberger’s analysts clued him in on the recent slew of Final Boss Sour monthly drops, he waited patiently for the call
- “Like any fruit medley or salad, eventually you are gonna need the filler fruits. At over 90% water and a taste a tad sweeter than a cucumber, honeydew does the job everytime”
- But sources say the big fat cigar fell out of Dewberger’s fish lips when he opened The Gazette last week to read about Level 3 Black Raspberry Cantaloupe Fingers
- “Cantaloupe’s been crashing our party for decades. It actually has a bold, sweet taste that sure—some smash—but others pass. Whatever happened to just bland attendance?”
- The Chairman of the fruit salad NPC went on to make unfounded claims of corruption by the bright orange melon, and dismissed the monthly drop as “weird and highly unconventional” in hopes of getting it taken off the market
- Readers interested in preserving the fair competition rights of all melons are encouraged to snag a box of Cantaloupe Fingers today while they are still freely traded
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KEVIN FROM CALI CATCHING CAPTAIN CLAYTON
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (FALL '25):
1.CLYTN A - BLFNT, OH....456 bags
2.KVN C - CYN CTRY, CA...420 bags
3.STH W - CRML, IN.......408 bags
4.ANTN K - GRN HLS, CA...372 bags
5.GRNT R - ARVD, CO......288 bags
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