BLACKSTONE DISTRICT, NE — Dash Brown, Chairman of The Omaha Jitterbugs – the nation’s 8th largest Lindy Hop Organization – admits that the local swing scene had grown stale
Attendance at practices in Eagles ballroom on 24th St and Thursday Jazz nights at Little India was hemorrhaging as seniors aged out and young adults became preoccupied by nodding at statements while making hand gestures and saying “clock it”
But the community got a much-needed jolt of sour with the arrival of the Sour Berry Boppin Laddies and their breakout hit “Fruit Suit Riot”
The 10-piece brass-and-strings outfit was inspired by eating Final Boss Sour’s Level Up Bundle to write the totally original tune that is not at all a knockoff of a 1997 chart topper
Laddies tenor saxophonist Kenny Dinkins says “its the Level 4 Souranges for me. A pack of those makes my mouth water enough to keep my reed soaked and my spit chamber full”
“The community is digging it” says Brown, “We keep our members gorked on sour kiwis and their legs keep Charlestoning to the beat”
In a recurring series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland’s minibosses. In today’s episode, reporter George O’Reilly-Peterson profiles Caustica who sweeps the zing-gussets of Bramblebrine Bridge as the miniboss of Strawberry Lemonade Level 1
George O’Reilly-Peterson: Your highness, it is an honor
Caustica: Finally, a proper greeting. It’s been so long
GORP: Are you referring to all the disrespect sprayed upon you by your former hive after you were cancelled for drone-blocking the worker bees?
C: No, but thanks for bringing that up, douche. I’m talking about my stint at Walmart checkout. I was so excited the Final Boss selected me to be part of his epic retail rollout…until I learned I was on the bottom shelf below three other bosses
GORP: So...umm…yeah I’m sure it was difficult living under Brumblebutt in 2,000 retail locations. I admire your strength
C: You aint cool yet bro. But yeah it was rough, fortunately I pulled out one of my signature full screaming-crying, table-flipping meltdowns on the Final Boss and he agreed to feature me as a 4-pack on his website
GORP: You still got it. So now anyone can get your delicious lemonade coated strawberries delivered to home. Even if they are only mildly sour
C: Do you have any control over what comes out of your mouth? My berries are tart and refreshing. They will bring the drones to my thorax again
OLD BRIDGE, NJ: This week, while mere commoners grabbed theirs from the checkstand at Walmart, Tank-class Paladin Tracy C searched for his Level 3 Watermelon Kiwis in a Quixotic Quest through the chilly backwoods and swamps of Middlesex County, NJ
The 25-year “veteran of mixed martial arts and heavy weapons combat” was inspired by his (now mortified) daughter assuming the role of Final Boss Sour’s Social Media Manager
The “Guild Master for Hoard Decimators” (these are all real titles of his) braved uncomfortable pricker bushes and awkward leaf-covered gopher holes to cleave the Watermelon of Oppression and free the imprisoned kiwi within
The entire quest was recorded and edited by Sir Tracy’s girlfriend (yeah I’m not buying it either)
In lieu of paying the Active Knight Errant for his crusade, Final Boss Sour dispatched a spokesperson to unspool a scroll and read aloud: “By decree of the Final Boss, we honor Sir Tracy, who in the pine-choked wilds of New Jersey split the melon of captivity and delivered the kiwi unto sour liberty”
