LOCAL WOMAN STILL WAITING FOR STOMACH ACHE DAYS AFTER EATING A WHOLE BAG OF LEVEL 2 SOUR PEACHES
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- Jessica Faulkner of Stillwater, OK has a strict routine when it comes to eating peach candy
- "I like to eat a quarter pound of Peachios or Peach Rings or Peach Poppers while watching Dark Winds on Netflix. If I start during the opening credits and finish by the '20 mark, I can usually get through the whole episode before I am doubled over in crippling GI pain"
- Faulkner then spends the next 90 minutes dry heaving and self loathing before the pain eventually subsides and she can brush her teeth and go to bed
- After seeing a video on TikTok, the peach patron picked up a bag of Final Boss Sour Level 2 Punch-Out Peaches to work into her program
- "As I'm chewing I'm thinking 'these are amazing, so much more flavor, but I know I'm gonna have to pay the piper in the pit of my paunch'"
- However, this time the peach pain did not come. At all
- "Turns out it's not real peaches that cause this, it's that..goo. But now what do I do with all this free time?"
- Faulkner reportedly now spends her late evenings pouring out now-unneeded bottles of pepto bismol and making amends with her lower intestines
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Moo is the Giant Mole miniboss of Strawberry Level 3. He has spent the past 80 years alone underground, blasting in the ShardShaft Mines, and has no real sense of time or season (making him a perfectly dull lackey for the Final Boss' treacherous propaganda). In this sponsored post, he pitches readers a new product he helped curate
- Hey-yo, summer is now in full swing and you know what that means?
- I think it means lake bathing, ice fishing and most of all: watermelons!
- I'm sure there's no better way to beat the summer dampness than sucking on pickaxe full of those watermelons
- I never heard of them until eight nightmares ago, when the Final Boss asked me to lend him some of the strawberries I've been guarding to make Level 3 Watermelon Strawberries
- And speaking of The Final Boss, I hear he is doing nothing but incredible things for all the devil-worshipping critters of Gooberland up on the surface. We are so lucky!
- Anywho, so I says to him: 'How are my berries coated in drool-triggering watermelon flavor doing?' And he says: 'As great as my Level 3 Watermelon Kiwis'
- And that gave me an idea – what if we sold raspberry-coated turnips to the gnawing voices in my head?
- He says 'no' (he always hates my ideas), but he did say we could bundle the kiwis and the strawberries into a watermelon variety pack
- 'Well awright,' I says, and we can call it "A Pair of Juicy Melons!"
- Editors note, the Final Boss chose the name Level 3 Mouthwatermeloning Strawberries and Kiwis. It goes on sale today
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LEVEL 1 LEMONADE LICKER LIGHTS UP LANE AT LOWER LOS ANGELES LOCATION
- PICO RIVERA, CA: Being asked to take a photo for someone = frustrating
- Being asked to film a TikTok = cringey
- Being asked to provide the frontal shot to Juliano Hodges' jazz-interpretation of Level 1 Strawberry Lemonade at a Walmart checkout = the dance experience of a lifetime
- Hodges hits his patented pogo stick, transitions to his gallivanting grouper and closes with his knee-cap needle record spin
- The number even features a cameo from Chief Petty Officer Captain Buzzkill who "does not authorize this (frivolity)"
- And while the number is meant to lift spirits during dark times, there is a deeper meaning that Final Boss Sour is still available in some Walmart locations that were slow to roll out the checkout feature
- Stop by one of these fine joints today and get your shim-sham on too!
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KEVIN FROM MASS TAKES THE 1 SEED AS MARCH MADNESS TIPS OFF
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (SPRING '26):
1.KVN M - WLMTN, MA......324 bags
2.VGNW D - ACDA, CA......240 bags
3.LYNS V - LT ELM, TX....228 bags
4.SRH E - MND VW, MN.....228 bags
5.NGL E - LA, CA.,,......228 bags
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