FINAL BOSS SOURS EASTER FOR WOODLAND CRITTERS OF ELDERGLOOM FOREST

• Every spring at Easter time, fluffles of bunnies and scurries of chipmunks gather in Hollyberry Meadow to hold hands, munch on fruity bon bons, and sing about frilly hats while the community gathers and gives blessings

• It's been the one moment of continuity and normalcy for the creatures of Cranberry Level 1 since the Final Boss came back and turned everything sour

• Now, this year the Annual Easter Snuggle is in jeopardy, having landed squarely in the crosshairs of the Final Boss after little owlet Mindy Loo Hoo delivered him a well-intentioned invitation

• Snitches inside his secret slophole tell The Gazette that the FB is furious that such a sweet display still exists on his moronic lackey Arachnothorn's watch and that he is taking matters into his own claws

• "Easter isn't about pastels and peeps. It's about pain and torture!" passionately cried the Final Boss while whipping his minions into triple-sour pickling deviled eggs to be pelted at gatherers next Sunday

• Fortunately for sour fans, to commemorate the upcoming crucifixion of the wholesome pageant, The Final Boss today is releasing Level 4 Strawberry and Watermelon Kiwi Easter Egg Stuffers

• Individually wrapped full strawberries and sliced kiwis coated in Level 4 flavorings are the perfect way to sour any basket or egg hunt this year

• Get them now, before they hoppity hop away! Shop the Easter Egg Stuffers

SOUR FRUIT STARTUP RAISES $7.5 MILLION IN NON-DILUTIVE CAPITAL BY BETTING ON WHO WOULD BE THE COLLAB PARTNER FOR ITS OWN MARCH DROP

• Blitzscaling a consumer startup takes dedication, hard work, and the ability to earn the trust of value-add investors… or you can just cheat

• Today, sour candy co Final Boss Sour announced that they took door number two

• Executives of the company knew for months that Yankee Silver Slugger 2B Jazz Chisholm Jr. was going to be the face of March's drop — the Level 4 Mango Kiwi Double Play

• And so they took the last $498k of cash in the company's GoHenry savings account, and bought Chisholm March futures at 15:1 on prediction market Kalshi

• To smoke screen the regulators and keep Jazz's payout high, they also placed $5 and $10 bets on Lenny Dykstra and Darryl (Sour?) Strawberry, respectively, to be the swinging spokesmen

• But they needed a whale to take the other side of the Chisholm trade

• So in a brilliant move they convinced Red Sox second baseman Marcelo Mayer that he and his "Level 5 Mayer Lemons" were going to be announced today

• Everyone knows the clubhouse at Fenway can't keep a secret, so the market swelled and Mayer's odds ballooned to 3:1

• And while Mayer and company are no doubt sour about this morning's announcement, Final Boss Sour is now $7.5m richer and proudly on strong economic footing heading into Q2

LIVE SCENES FROM GOOBERLAND

● LIVE  |  GOOBERLAND CAM 1

The bunnies were told the deviled eggs were a gift. They were not.

Hollyberry Meadow, Eldergloom Forest, Gooberland