MEET YOUR MINIBOSS: MAGMARA, CASSOWARY KAISER OF THE TEMPLE OF FLAMES
In a recurring series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland’s minibosses. Reporter Peter Upton Swanson-Stillman profiles Magmara, cassowary kaiser of the Temple of Flames and miniboss of Souranges Level 4.
Drums beat. Temple minions chant. Darkness breaks under flickering firelight.
• Peter Upton Swanson-Stillman: Hello? Is Magmara available for the interview we scheduled?
Magmara: Step into the firelight, newsboy, and face your fear
• PUSS: Listen, I can come back another time. That fall through the Rotmouth Hole of the Torture Orchard has me feeling a little woozy…
• Magmara: Silence! You wish to know who guards Level 4 Souranges? Who controls the underworld beneath the orchard? Tis I, Magmara the Fierce!
• PUSS: Ok, but you’re not gonna…
• Magmara: Kick you? Ah, you’ve heard of my kicking. The deadliest kicks in North Gooberland. I can make no such promise. You must look me in my weird emotionless bird eyes and ask me your questions. A kick may come at any point, even when you think you are in the clear
• PUSS: This is absolutely terrifying. Um, so, do you like oranges?
• Magmara: (Stares at the reporter for 40 long seconds) Yeah, they are good
• PUSS: Oh god. Ok, next. Why are you minibossing for the Final Boss?
• Magmara: What does it mean to have power? I spend my days torturing caged gorons, forcing trespassers through impossible trials and basking in lava-choked chambers. And yet…I feel its limits. So I bind myself to a tyrant. I syphon more power from his blind spots. And one day… I will not serve
• PUSS: Does the Final Boss know that you…
• Magmara: (Stares in kicking range for an uncomfortable 95 seconds)
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• New York fans and pundits are drawing a clear connection between the Yankees winning 5 of their first 6 games and second baseman Jazz Chisholm Jr.’s Level 4 Kiwi Mango Double Play
• The startup stocked the Bronx Bombers’ clubhouse with packs of the extremely sour tropical medley and the after effects are on display on the diamond
• Sports psychologist Yola Anola explains: “Eating really sour foods have been proven to reduce anxiety and promote healthy risk taking. This explains why ace Max Fried has been effectively going for the corners on hitter’s counts and drawing wild swings. A 0.0 ERA is a byproduct of sour coated kiwi consumption”
• Baseball analyst Rob Lostas draws another connection: “The Final Boss’ sour reign of terror is the candy equivalent of the Yankees Evil Empire. Final Boss poaches the most ruthless sluggers from smaller markets to rig the odds in his favor. And at the end of the day, he falls short to the delight of everyone outside his inner circle”
| LIVE SCENES FROM GOOBERLAND |
| ● LIVE | GOOBERLAND CAM 1 |
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| Lava levels reportedly nominal. No sign of reporter. |
| Temple of Flames, North Gooberland |
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