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• One of Stingy's first acts as miniboss of Pineapple Level 1 was to purge all dried out water bears from the voter registry, citing widespread microscopic fraud
• Water bears and moss piglets are some of Stingy's only neighbors on the molten rocks of Mount Zingaro thanks to their ability to survive harsh conditions
• "But on hot days, I see those chubby dumplings shed 95% of their water weight and just die…then I find out they voted for Bill Rosenworth for City Council!" the miniboss told The Gazette back in November
• The act initially made sense to most, until local zoologist Martin Magpie explained that water bears undergo cryptobiosis—a suspended "tun" state that allows them to survive extreme heat, freezing, and high pressure
• Magpie then poured a Perrier on one shriveled bear to demonstrate how they snap back to life when the conditions improve
• However, Stingy stayed the course, reinforcing the growing belief that he simply doesn't care for water bears
• When reached for comment, Stingy said "If they want to prove that they're powered up again, all they need to do is bring three forms of ID and a notarized rehydration certificate to the registrar's office located in the volcano's magma chamber. It's just common sense folks."
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• Last week hockey-stick-growth fruit co Final Boss Sour got the Times Square treatment with a towering spectacular on 47th and Broadway
• The jumbotron featured a sampling of the brand's most mouthwatering fruits and treacherous minibosses set against GrimeSquare — Gooberland's 64-bit equivalent of the tourist trap and home to Cranberry Level 3
• While the promotion appeared excessive and reckless, insiders insist it was highly calculated
• "We are laser-targeting a segment that is currently untouched by our social media efforts," said a junior employee not authorized to speak to the press. "We call the persona 'Sweet Garbage' — a high-intent cohort consisting of people in disturbing thousand-yard-stare knockoff Minnie Mouse costumes, pick pockets and pizza rats."
• The promotion apparently struck fear into Mars Incorporated as execs in the penthouse of the nearby 24,000 sq. ft. M&M store frantically googled "how can i stuff real kiwis into a candy shell ASAP."
| LIVE SCENES FROM GOOBERLAND |
| ● LIVE | GOOBERLAND CAM 1 |
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| Magpie pours the Perrier. The bear has opinions about this. |
| Mount Zingaro, Pineapple Level 1, Gooberland |
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