DERKUS BECOMES GOOBERLAND'S FIRST QUINTILLIONAIRE FOLLOWING THE SOUR DUST PARTICLE COLLIDER'S INITIAL PUBLIC OFFERING

• This morning, shares of Gooberland's largest producer of sour coatings began trading on the Noobs Only Stock Exchange

• Sour Dust Particle Collider Inc (NOSE: DUST) was valued at an eye-watering $2.5 quintillion Wumpa Fruit valuation, making founder Derkus Gooberland's richest animal

• Analysts who are not compromised by Derkus were puzzled that the company was valued at 700x the revenue it gets from producing and selling the Blue Raspberry sour powder from Final Boss Sour's Mango Dippers

• However bookrunning banker Goatman Yaks explains: "Look at what his dust collider has accomplished. First it expanded into the Dipper Variety Pack, then it did the PAC-MAN Dippers, and now it's doing the Level 3 Blue Raspberry Mango Bites and is even powering the sour in Souranges and Sour Colada"

• Buyers of NOSE: DUST are betting that the Final Boss will succeed in turning all of Gooberland sour, and that everything will be coated with dust from the mandrill's high speed collider

• Former Gooberland Finance Minister and Nobel Economist Virgil Gerbil agrees, adding "If the world is going to sh**, you might as well own the sh** pipe"

• While his employees celebrated, Derkus spent the night of the IPO stressing about how to convert his astronomical gains into an equivalent loss for those he deems unsuitable

FINAL BOSS SOUR ARCADE DISPLAY NEAR FOOD MART EXIT JUST BEGGING TO BE HORKED

• FARMINGTON HILLS, MI: When it happens, it's gonna be the Minimart on Orchard Lake Rd's own damn fault

• You've got the perfect storm of a tantalizing display of real fruit sourness carelessly placed near the automatic glass doors of a poorly lit breezeway of a sleepy-staffed, 24-hour munchie house located steps from two of the town's most popular dive bars

• Now, we are not here to preemptively victim-blame. Final Boss Sour is allowed to merchandise its goods how it feels, no matter how mouth-watering the corrugate may be

• But this thing would objectively look sick in some bro's apartment and we are not sure bro can be expected to suppress natural instincts

• In fact, if this thing isn't in the back of a 2016 Jeep Cherokee by 4am tonight, it'll be an absolute miracle

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