HANK AND QUINNIE RUN FOR THEIR LIVES AS REDDRICK GOES FULL MAD COW OVER THE NEW SHIRLEY TEMPLE CHERRIES

• When The Final Boss released the new Level 2 Sour Shirley Temple Cherries this week, hero rebels Hank the Honeybadger and Quinnie the Quokka figured they’d better grab a few to boost their sour stamina

• Following Qunnie’s sour senses, the pair arrived at the Cramplona Run, a maze of bustling plazas and narrow stone streets one level east of the Torture Orchard

• Hank yanked a tarp from a towering stockpile of the sweet-and-sour fruit. The aroma woke Reddrick, the level’s hulking miniboss. The moment the bull laid eyes on the mountain of bright red cherries, he went ballistic

• Flaring his nostrils, snorting great plumes of smoke, and pawing the cobblestones beneath his hooves, Reddrick lowered his horns. Hank slowly backed away from the Shirley Temple Smorgasbord, turned to Quinnie, and calmly said, “Run.”

• Witnesses from second-story apartment balconies tell The Gazette the heroes have been running since. So far they have been unable to dodge the level’s obstacles and enemies long enough to exhaust Roddrick and defeat him

• Quinnie has reportedly been gored and launched into the air so many times that she’s nearly out of credits and might need to restart from the Strawberry Lemonade Level 1 checkpoint

SUBSTANTIAL FUNDS POUR INTO BLITZ-SCALING SOUR FRUIT COMPANY

• Yesterday, P.E. Guy Johnny Hilbrant broke the news of a “decent” sized private transaction

• Due to his role in P.E. (private equity), Hilbrant knows a thing or two about hot deals and has identified Final Boss Sour as a top target for a future buyout

• Off camera from his saltwater pool in his Shingle Style home on Nantucket, Hilbrant tells The Gazette that people seem to really like the brand’s authenticity and high product quality which presents a clear entry point for a bunch of finance bros in patagonia vests to slop up the voice, cut costs and store the proceeds in offshore accounts while the bankruptcies and lawsuits trickle in

• “It’s still a little early for us, but we are tracking it” PE guy said as he left on his Garia 4-seat Golf Cart for the Cisco Brewery

• Given the testimony, The Gazette urges readers to stock up on Final Boss before it becomes another victim of late stage capitalism

LIVE SCENES FROM GOOBERLAND

● LIVE  |  GOOBERLAND CAM 1

Peaceful. Pristine. Butterflies and everything. You would truly never guess the entire territory answers to an ancient overlord of sourness and despair — which is precisely how he likes it.

Watermelonia, Gooberland