MELSH GETS THE ZOOMIES DURING HIS STATE OF WATERMELONIA ADDRESS

• The capacity crowd in the Jubilee Rec Center had to be evacuated in the middle of Watermelon Kiwi miniboss Melsh's annual address to his constituents

• In these sour times, several events in Gooblerand have been cut short or canceled due to protests or threats, but this is the first time the speaker was the source of the disruption

• While Melsh began touting his achievements in acid coating the local school board and sulfuring the swimming holes, he suddenly paused, performed a play bow, and began racing around the stage in circles and chomping at the air

• His spiked tail took out the refreshment stand, douching the town elders in Tang

• A flying folding chair struck the fire alarm, triggering an ear-splitting alarm that failed to drown out Melsh's happy chuffing

• Gazette investigative reporter Calvin Kangaroo caught up with the Level 3 miniboss' handlers after the incident to determine the cause of the seemingly random outburst

• Turns out Melsh was so bored from spending his morning memorizing the Final Boss' authoritative talking points that he had too much pent up energy

• "He's still not used to being a governmental stooge." One aide says, "All that dragon energy needs an outlet"

TASTE 'BUDS' NO MORE AS FLAVOR RECEPTORS FEUD OVER TOP BAG IN ULTIMATE BERRY SAMPLER BOX

• Anyone over 30 had to sit through the 4th grade lecture on taste receptors featuring the tongue map – sweet in the front, salty and sour on the sides and bitter at the back

• Turns out that was completely false and people generally knew that while it was being taught to us

• The map was popularized in the 1940s by Harvard professor Edwin G. Boring

• I mean, the guy's name was literally Boring and he drew a map of our tongue. It's no wonder why no one was interested in checking his work

• So the five tastes (don't forget umami – what you say about my mami?) are now evenly distributed throughout the tongue

• But this forced desegregation hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows, and the inter-receptory tensions came to a head this week in the mouth of Trevor Buffington of Sterling, VA

• Trevor owns a monthly subscription to Final Boss Sour's Ultimate Berry Sampler Box. The cranberries, blueberries and strawberries in three different levels of sourness create an instant house party among the taste buds on Trevor's tongue

• But like many ragers, this one ended in a brawl with all the gustatory receptors arguing over which berry tastes best

• Judge Uvula waddled down to make peace and decided to separate the buds into Level 2 Cranberries fans in front, Level 1 Blueberries and Level 3 Strawberries on the sides, Level 3 Crans in the back and Level 1 Strawberries in the middle

• The tentative truce has held for now, and the buds feel more comfortable living among their own

LIVE SCENES FROM GOOBERLAND

● LIVE  |  GOOBERLAND CAM 1

Every tower still lit at this hour. Under the Final Boss, the workday has no known end.

The Mango Skyline, Gooberland