LARDSWORTH CHEATS HIS WAY TO 2ND CONSECUTIVE WIN AT FRUMPKIN HILLS INVITATIONAL

• Much like the cooked books at his farming company, two scorecards were recorded for Lardsworth’s round this week at the annual golf tournament

• One was submitted by the Blueberry Level 1 Miniboss himself which placed him on top of the leaderboard for the second straight year

• The other was submitted to The Gazette’s tipline by an anonymous sparrow who followed the pig’s foursome for all 18 holes

• The sparrow’s card documented 14 illegal lie improvements including six uses of his “hoof wedge” and five claims of free relief from conditions Lardsworth deemed abnormal like “sandy ball” and “rough rough”

• Ball tricks like “oh I found it” and “no you weren’t playing the Titleist, that was me” were deployed on most holes and proved instrumental to the victory

• Among the golf violations were allegations of possible cannibalism as Lardsworth destroyed three glizzys at the turn

• Lardsworth pacified his angry playing partners by feeding them a steady load of Final Boss Sour Level 3 Lemon Iced Tea Peaches

• A sour snack with sour participants on soured lands. Frumpkin Hills Invitational: a tradition unlike any other

WACKY WATER WEDNESDAY WHIFFS AT LOCAL DAY CAMP

7-year old McKenna Moreno reviews the hump day programming at Super Sporty Camp at Westminster Elementary in Venice, CA

• So as my brother Miles and I were heading out to Dad’s car at 8:30am, Mom stopped us and yelled “I forgot it’s Water Wednesday, switch to swimsuits and bring your towels!”

• Not gonna lie, I was low key excited. It’s like 100 degrees out

• So then we get to camp and it turns out Mom wasn’t the only one who forgot – the counselors saw us in our rash guards and goggles and freaked out

• Turns out they had budget for a big inflatable waterslide bouncehouse thing and an arsenal of super soakers, but the teenagers totally spaced on ordering them

• So I’m mad, but I’m honestly not surprised. They pitched this camp as “All Sports Madness”, but it’s the same staff as last week’s “Pop Star Bootcamp” and so far we’ve been allowed to participate in the mainstream sports of kickball and four square

• So my friend Stasia starts crying, and the lead counselor Reena brings out – no joke – the school’s hose

• She lines us up in front of the storage shed and just blasts us like we're covered in cooties

• I’m not sure if I got more rust on me from the municipal hose nozzle or the splashback from the 1970s wheelbarrow in the shed

• The only good part was when Mom took me to Urgent Care at pickup for a tetanus shot, the cool lady behind the sign-in desk was handing out Final Boss Sour Level 2 Shirley Temple Cherries

• Those things are so fire, they will make you forget you were a participant in a lazy and dangerous cash grab

• Overall, I give Wacky Water Wednesday one thumb up

LIVE SCENES FROM GOOBERLAND

● LIVE  |  GOOBERLAND CAM 1

A single set of hoofprints leads out of every bunker on the course. Groundskeeping has stopped asking.

Frumpkin Hills, Gooberland