MEET YOUR MINIBOSS SERIES PROFILES REDDRICK

In a recurring series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland’s minibosses. In today’s episode, reporter Henry E. Reagan-Buford profiles Reddrick, the mild-mannered yet red-triggered bull of the Cramplona Run and miniboss of Shirley Temple Cherries Level 2

• Henry E. Reagan-Buford (nervously): Hey now big fella…I’m just going to ask you a few questions for my paper. Is that ok?

• Reddrick: You’re good, bro. Go ahead!

• HERB: Phew. I hope I didn’t offend you, it’s just that I’ve heard…

• R: I know, man. Look, I’ve caused a lot of damage with my trampling and goring. I don’t like it any more than the turkey I blinded or the rabbit I fully sent into the ravine last week. My therapist has been trying to get to the root of the trauma and why I am so triggered by… a certain shade of..burgundy shall we say?

• HERB: So it is true. I’m glad I didn’t wear anything red

• R (smoke billowing from his nose and shuffling his feet): PLEASE! DON’T! SAY!-

• HERB: Apologies! So, why did the Final Boss tap you to guard his Level 2 cher… fruits?

• R (calmed): I’m not sure. I wasn’t looking for a job in government. He must’ve seen my 7th grade Congress diorama. I had a Boba Fett figurine as the Sergeant at Arms!

• HERB: Well he must’ve seen something in you. Those Shirley Temples are currently Final Boss Sour’s most coveted candy. Have you tried them yet?

• R: No. The Final Boss said I should keep them under this black tarp, but I guess I could take a peek…

• HERB: Oh that’s not necessary, I only have a couple more questions

• Door Dash Guy: Hi Mr. Buford, here’s the Razzmatazz Jamba Juice you ordered with a side of fresh strawberries

• R (huffs, stammers, lowers horns to charge)

• HERB: And that’s it for me

SOUR FRUIT COMPANY RELEASES ANNOYING AI COMPANION ON WEBSITE TO HELP CUSTOMERS CHECKOUT

• “Would you be interested in adding a 64-count Arcade Display Refill to your order of Level 4 Yuzu Pineapples” was one of many asinine suggestions delivered by the AI sidebar on candy brand Final Boss Sour’s website this week

• The campanion unimaginatively called itself “Sourkick” and took up ⅖ of the site’s real estate, covering up the add-to-cart buttons and FAQs

• “You used to have to browse and select your products, now you have me – a fake friend who tells you what to buy based on our superficial relationship” the AI “agent” told one sourhead

• Fans quickly soured on the chatbot and began cussing and insulting “him”

• The robotic personal shopper retaliated by adding defunct products like 2024’s Halloween Level 3 Frankenstein Food and Valentine’s Day Sour Chocolate Cherries to baskets and queuing up a paypal one click buy

• The Gazette reached out to the Company and learned that no employees authorized the bot. “It just showed up like it seems to be showing up on all websites that weren’t broken” a company representative said

• Fortunately, the company contracted Yoshimi from the Flaming Lips song to kill the robots and liberate the website

• It is now once again available for AI-free shopping

LIVE SCENES FROM GOOBERLAND

● LIVE  |  GOOBERLAND CAM 1

Mango Dipper sour powder collided at maximum velocity. Pucker readings nominal.

The Sour Dust Particle Collider, Gooberland