PHOSMAR VOWS TO AVENGE STAR-CROSSED LOVER SHELLSEA'S EXPLOSION BY HANK AND QUINNIE
• "O murderous night, that hast unstarred my heaven! Shellsea, by thy cold hand I swear: they who robbed the world of thee shall not outlive my grief. This heart shall beat but once more in joy—and that, when their blood answers thine!" yelled Kiwi Level 2 Miniboss Phosmar from the Abysmal Maw
• Phosmar was reacting to the news that Hank and Quinnie had finally cleared Blueberry Level 2 by dodging Shelsea's lobster cracker nunchuks and exploding her with her own sour fruit
• The Crockweiler Beach level proved tricky, as the dynamic duo burned through three coconut powerups and a conch portal to get past the electric ray lagoon and reach the miniboss stage
• Their prize: a chest full of medium-sour-strength blueberries, enjoyed while watching the sunset over the fried-lobster-smelling bay
• Meanwhile, 300 knots out and 18,000 leagues below, the heartbroken Phosmar expelled salty tears and soupy ink as he wallowed in his midnight zone level
• The two minibosses met in person just once, at a Final Boss Henchman Pancake Breakfast back in early 2025. But love was in the cioppino as the two locked eyeholes at the pastry tray. The affair was first scooped by The Gazette in last October's profile of the giant squid
• Despite Shellsea's loveless marriage to Clamuel, she and Phosmar have been exchanging bottled love letters for the past 18 months
• It is unclear whether Phosmar will wait to battle Hank and Qunnie when they reach Kiwi Level 2, or if his rage will jet-propel him to hunt down the heroes as they advance to Blueberry Level 3
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DEEP TRACK DEBBIE ONLY ORDERS THE LONG-TAIL SOUR FRUITS
• Deborah "Deep Track Debbie" Dvorak would rather die than be caught with anything popular
• If you were to run into her wearing your Nirvana t-shirt, she would say "You have to hear the 1985 Fecal Matter demo recorded at Kurt's aunt's house. Dave Grohl isn't even on it—which is why it's their best work"
• Think you scored an exclusive pair of Jordan's online? Debbie's wearing them in a color combination everyone hates but she insists will be "reappraised in five years"
• I know, its exhausting
• And don't get her started on Final Boss Sour
• "If I were going to buy The Level Up Bundle, I might as well be at Starbucks sucking on a PSL and listening to Taylor Swift" Debbie says unprovoked
• Debbie tells a Gazette reporter her only criteria for ordering products is that they do not appear on the home page, have fewer than 20 verified reviews in the past 18 months, and have the potential to become an outsized portion of her banal personality
• "You just have to order a one pack of Green Apple Mango Dippers with a case of Level 1 Cranberries. It's really the only proper way to pay tribute to the brand's origins and the deeper meaning of the company catalog" Debbie says. "Also why are you closing your eyes and holding the bridge of your nose?"
| LIVE SCENES FROM GOOBERLAND |
| ● LIVE | GOOBERLAND CAM 1 |
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| Cleanup has not been scheduled. The tide is handling it. |
| Crockweiler Public Beach, Gooberland |
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