DERKUS CAUGHT DIPPING HIS MANGOS WHERE THEY DON'T BELONG
• The Mandrill CEO of the Sour Dust Particle Collider and miniboss of Level 3 Blue Raspberry Mango Dippers been called mad just as often as he's been called genius
• However even his most sycophantic supporters would probably mark this week's scandal in the madness column as bird-edited tabloid Squawker published photos that appear to show Derkus dipping his mango dippers into a pile of bat dung
Derkus' publicist made the poor professional decision to tell The Gazette the truth behind the incident. These are her words:
• So, my client was having a moment. He was reading the rave reviews of the new Level 2 Shirley Temple Cherries and he got rightfully kerfluffled that Final Boss Sour fans were not adequately admiring his product. And let's be honest: to make his sour dipping powder, Derkus had to accelerate tiny fruit and acid particles to near light speed and smash them together in his Death Star. [Shirley Temple Level 2 miniboss] Reddrick can't even look at his own product without having a childish meltdown
• But speaking of meltdowns, Derkus' escalated quickly. He started punching down on lesser dippers like Fun Dip, Dunkaroos and Handi-Snacks. He yelled "They are scat! They are all scat! It's like if I took my mangos and dipped them in…that's it! That's what I'll do. Then the world will understand my genius!"
• The rest is tabloid history. Chimp interns say that after a pack of Listerine strips and a chamomile bath, Derkus was able to recover and re-focus his energy on other petty grievances
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• Gooberland's #1 loudest sour stamina influencer – and Strawberry Level 1 Miniboss – will not shut up about his latest fitness supplement
• Beester, the shredded wildebeest, has been all over the manosphere pumping the new GFuel x Final Boss Sour Strawberry Creatine
• The product marks the second collaboration this year between the worldwide leaders in gamer nutrition and sour fruiting, respectively
• "Bro", Beester says, "each scoop from my tub was scientifically engineered by my nerd buddy Billton to sculpt muscle, jack up recovery and boost brainal functionalness"
• A spokesgoon for The Final Boss confirmed that the formulation does indeed include the most brutal sour acids and that despite the noise, Beester himself has no economics in the product
• "I think he's just hoping to be associated with its success so someday he can get his own thing. It's pretty pathetic" the nameless servant tells The Gazette while hand drying the Final Boss' sour socks
• If Beester were given an affiliate code, he'd tell you to use it today on GFuel's website and coming soon to your favorite health store
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