WITH CHILI LIMÓN, EL SQUAWKO MAKES AGGRESSIVE MOVE AGAINST THE SPICY CARTEL

• Ever since he could remember, El Squawko always wanted to be a gangster

• The orphan quetzal started his own crew at the age of 7, lending pesos to classmates against future Tooth Fairy payouts.  The delinquent collections process was brutal

• As a teenager he was a wheelman for the Citrus Boys during the infamous Goobanza Heist of ’94.  And while accounts differ, those in the know contend that he disposed of the sourhead gang to eliminate witnesses and satisfy his aversion to sharing

• His boldest move came in 2020, when, as a captain in the Cifaretto Crew, he cut a deal to take over his rival’s routes in exchange for dropping his boss, the Capy di tutti Capybaras, into a vacuum tumbler full of malic acid

• Since then, El Squawko has commanded the sour-mango trade of South Gooberland, and his power expanded significantly when The Final Boss took over in ’23

• However, today’s move marks a new chapter in this gangster story.  For decades, the spicy-mango and sour-mango cartels respected their territories and kept the peace.  But today’s announcement of Level 3 Chili Limón Sour Mangos and Pineapples shows El Squawko is done playing nice

• Snitches say this move wouldn’t have been possible without support of The Final Boss himself.  They point to the Bureau of Undercover Gooberlandians (BUGS) raiding two Spicy compounds last night arresting several high-level heat goons as evidence that the sour coup is state-sponsored

• The Gazette has additional reporting but is, at this time, too terrified to disclose it

REMAINING LEMON ICED TEA PEACHES STOCK GETTING PTSD FLASHBACKS TO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL GYM CLASS

• There are quite a few anxious peaches bouncing around the Final Boss’ super-secret warehouse today

• While sourheads are going ape over today’s release of the August drop – Level 3 Chili Limón Mangos and Pineapples – there are actually still a few unsold bags of last month’s drop – Level 3 Lemon Iced Tea Peaches – singing Don't You (Forget About Me) by Simple Minds

• It has been a rollercoaster last 30 days for the sour Arnold Palmer slices.  Their announcement on 7/31 and the hype that followed had the entire inventory run confident of a swift sellout

• And while the first 80% of the limited run found happy homes in the first weeks, the current remaining stock is said to “feel like the kid last picked during P.E. dodgeball”

• Rather than ease their suffering by deflecting blame on the economy or the competing popularity of fellow beverage-themed breakout star Level 2 Shirley Temple Cherries, the Final Boss has informed the unsold bags that they alone are responsible for their homelessness

• The boss has refused to subsidize their housing by offering discounts and insisted that the sour peaches pull themselves up by their fuzz straps and “lock in”

• Those interested in taking home a tough-loved bag of sour peaches today may do so at full price here

LIVE SCENES FROM GOOBERLAND

● LIVE  |  GOOBERLAND CAM 1

Cam 1 has recorded the eruption for eleven straight days. The territory remains rated Level 1.

Mount Zingano, Gooberland