CATCHING UP WITH BIGWELL

In a recurring series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland’s minibosses. In today’s episode, reporter Patty O’Owens Tiernan follows up with Bigwell, the bad wolf who skulks the Torture Orchard as miniboss of Green Apple Level 4

• Patty O’Owens Tiernan: Hello again Bigwell. So much has transpired since our profile on you back in January. How are you holding up?

• Bigwell: Well, I am 329 years old. I’ve survived multiple prison sentences and exiles, and yet here I am working through my lucky 7th despotic regime. I’m worried this Final Boss Part II thing won’t last, but other than that I guess I’m dandy

• POOT: Interesting. You were more bullish on the sour police state eight months ago. What gives you concern?

• B: I have this feeling in my old gross bones that we’re entering the chapter of the autocracy where the dictator’s riled-up base starts to simmer down and realize that none of the FB’s promises are coming to fruition and everyone is actually worse off than before he came to power. Might just be a touch of sarcoptic mange though

• POOT: Well, you should really get those sores checked out. If it makes you feel better I have heard nothing but horror stories of how you have been enforcing order in these woods. It seems you’ve still got it

• B: They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but just last week I learned that by soaking the roots of the Grandfather Oak in malic acid you can turn every acorn rancid and collapse the entire forest food chain from chipmunk to great horned owl

• POOT: Biologically demonic. Yet a similar process makes the Level 4 Apples in the Orchard grow so face-meltingly sour. So it’s not all bad, right?

• B: Wrong. I am all bad

• POOT: Thanks for your time

LATE ENTRY TO ANNUAL MALIBU CHILI COOKOFF JUST A 4-PACK OF SOUR CANDY

• Malibu, CA: Every Labor Day Weekend, local restaurants, businesses and social clubs compete to see who has the most rib-sticking, tongue-tickling, mustache-clinging blend of meat, beans, peppers and sauce

• This year’s favorites to win are repeat champions including LaFace Records’ T-Boz and Left-Eye Chili, Duke’s Point Dumesday Stew, and Malibu Fire Dept’s Five-Alarm Underpants Fire

• But then there’s Greg

• Some guy named Greg wanted all the attention of running a chili booth, but none of the work

• So Greg entered in a card table topped with a 4 pack of Final Boss Sour’s August Drop: Level 3 Chili Limon Mangos and Pineapples

• Early attendees were bummed out by the booth and notified the judges of what they assumed was a contest crasher or booth squatter

• The puzzled judges consulted the rule book and were shocked to discover that – despite the elaborate preparations of every other entrant – the only written qualification is that an entry contain at least one declarable ingredient with the word “chili” in its name

• So Greg is legit. And his candy is legit too. And there are only a few bags left so get involved!

• (Greg didn’t know the competition rules)

LIVE SCENES FROM GOOBERLAND

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Four bags left the groves Friday on a manifest listing them as produce. One reached Malibu.

The Squawko Groves, South Gooberland