INSPIRED BY THE BIG10, THE FINAL BOSS NOW KEEPS HIS OWN PRIVATE OFFICIAL SOUR METER

• The College Football World was shocked (or expectedly disappointed) last weekend when Michigan was given an extra second and a second chance at a game winning Hail Mary to beat cross-state rival Western Michigan

• Fans collectively face-palmed when it was sheepishly explained that the Big10 Conference keeps its own secret official game clock that is different from the one shown to the players at the stadium and the fans on TV

• The garbage cop-out did manage to inspire one fan: The Final Boss

• The gruesome and mysterious ruler spends his time meticulously focused on producing candy in four distinct sour levels and gets furious when his customers question his sour scale

• But the truth is, individuals’ sour stamina can differ, real fruit has natural variations, and sometimes a level 3 Watermelon Kiwi burns like a Level 4

• But now – thanks to the Conference that has UCLA volleyball players flying to New Jersey to play Rutgers the Tuesday night before finals – The Final Boss can silence his critics

• Alex Moss of Hahira, GA – a frequent Final Boss customer – tells The Gazette “I called the company to ask why my Level 4 Apples tasted more like Level 3 and they put the big guy on the line! He asked me for the UPC and lot code and then way too quickly told me that on his ‘official’ sour scale, those Apples were level 3 and that the label on my bag was ‘solely for entertainment purposes’. Then he told me to shut up and eat”

• “So now I’m all sour at how I’ve been treated. So I guess I got my Level 4 after all. Man, that Final Boss is good at his job!”

SOUR FRUIT INCLUSION HELPS OFFSET MORTIFYING NOTE FROM MOM DURING BULLY’S LUNCH INSPECTION OF INSECURE 5TH GRADER

• Everett, WA: School was back in session last week at Chester A. Arthur Elementary and alpha bully Dirk Little is in peak form

• This week, Little began his “Lunch Inspections” of the weaker kids in the cafeteria

• The inspections have two goals: 1) to find fire snacks to yoink and 2) to harvest embarrassing kompromat that can be used to destroy the confidence of his classmates

• Dirk found both on Wednesday when he raided 11-year-old Shawn Triplett’s Mandalorian and Grogu lunchbox and thermos set

• The bully’s face lit up when he slid the salami and swiss on wheat to discover a card with “You’ve Got This!” printed on it followed by the most damaging Mom love note his dead eyes had ever seen:

• “Dear Snuggykins, thank you for the foot massage last night. Enjoy the sweet treats you asked me for and ask that Sadie Sawyer to come to the church picnic with us on Sunday. If she’s in your dreams I’m sure she’ll make a great guest. XOXO Mother”

• The only reason this article is not a social obituary for Triplett was that the “sweet treats” mentioned in the note were a bag of Final Boss Sour Level 4 Souranges

• The bully had been trying to get his ham hands on a bag for months. He was so psyched he hammered 5 slices at once before his face turned red and he ran for milk tray to sooth his sensitive mouth glands

• Triplett quickly shredded the note, relegating all accounts of his smother mother to hearsay, and snapped a photo of a teary-eyed Dirk Little

• And now all lunch skimming gets kicked up to Snuggykins, who magnanimously shares the snackpile with his doting subjects as the new Alpha of 5th Grade

LIVE SCENES FROM GOOBERLAND

● LIVE  |  GOOBERLAND CAM 1

Output is up 500 pallets this week. No one at the refinery has been told why.

Rainburn Refinery, Gooberland