DERKUS ANGLING TO BE MINIBOSS OVER ALL 4 MANGO BITE VARIETIES
• The Final Boss prides himself (we think its a him) as a law-and-order ruler over Gooberland
• As such, he doles out miniboss positions only to those who have demonstrated extreme loyalty, or those that are transactionally beneficial
• Derkus of course belongs to the latter category
• The mandrill CEO of the Sour Dust Particle Collider became a critical ally to The Final Boss in his quest to turn everything sour
• As such, Derkus was awarded as miniboss of Level 3 Blue Raspberry Mango Dippers
• But when Derkus trained his dust models to generate Cherry, Grape and Green Apple Dipping Powder he agreed to supply them to Final Boss under the condition that he miniboss those levels too
• The Final Boss’ approval marked the first time since his return to power that a subject successfully extracted a concession from him
• When the other bosses whined, the FB snapped and explained that these were essentially companion products and nothing like this will ever happen again under his rule
• Yet we have now arrived at a pivotal test, as Derkus was able to use the Shloginating Capacitor to chop up the mango strips and collide them with his 4 flavors to create The Level 3 Mango Bites Variety Pack
• And while the product currently has no boss, the packaging prominently displays Derkus’ Collider and snitches say the mandrill is preparing to leverage his position as the realm’s top supplier of sour coatings to expand his minibossship yet again
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• It started with an innocent comment on an Instagram ad for Level 3 Lemon Iced Tea Peaches: “Why would I buy four bags of something I’ve never even tried?” said kimmibird92
• The Final Boss tried to shake the comment off, but that “even” cut like a knife
• Then came comixfighter1’s response to a Level Up Bundle Ad: “I’m no noob. Why must I be forced to buy Level 1 Strawberry Lemonade in order to get to Level 4 Green Apples”
• The Final Boss thought bro was just a hater and that surely the masses understood the carefully crafted complimentary pairings of the 6 fruits in the bundle
• And yet, the masses united against him
• “The user interface of this website doesn’t allow me to get 3 bags of Level 3 Watermelon Kiwis, 2 Level 3 Punch Out Peaches and a mag of Blue Raspberry Mango Dippers. What is this, Francoist Spain?” said doug_e_stale
• After thousands of similar comments, The Final Boss threw his ketchup coated lunch plate against the wall and ordered the creation of the brand new Build Your Own Bundle page
• Starting today, users can build their own 6-pack of whatever is in stock at the pungent dungeon and whipped indentured creatures will fill their bag like they are taking breakfast orders at Denny’s
• Happy now!?
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LIVE SCENES FROM GOOBERLAND
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● LIVE | GOOBERLAND CAM 1
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Captain Brumblebutt reviews the new six-bag manifest and finds no cause for alarm
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ABOARD THE QUEEN CRINGE, Gooberland
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