CONNIE LURES NEW SUCKERS INTO RIGGED GAMES BY OFFERING SOUR CANDY APPLES
• Fresh off of the Final Boss’ dismissal of another wave of class action lawsuits by maimed and ripped-off Gooberlandians, Connie is pleased to announce that Connie Con Carnival is the exclusive amusement vendor of the September drop Level 2 Sour Candy Apples
• Attendance at the park had dipped after Armen Aardvark lost his snout in the Sidewinder in August, so Connie needed a fresh trap
• Fortunately Connie’s generous campaign donations landed her with an exclusive distribution-window of one of the Final Boss’ most anticipated new products
• But of course, there is a catch
• Carnival goers can only purchase the Apples with tokens won at one of her many impossible games
• At this point, she has stopped even trying to mask the rigginess: the milk bottles are load-bearing, the dart balloons are just painted on the wall and the claw machine takes your cash and just gives you the finger
• But the carnies are still good for an “Oh so close!” that keeps contestants trying to get a taste of those tangy apples
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• Floyd Joshington never considered himself a numbers guy
• The distance between his guess and the actual number of jelly beans in a recent contest jar could reach the moon and back
• But lately, all of Floyd’s friends and neighbors have been begging to get his personal finance tips since they saw the Maserati parked in the usher’s car port
• His top tip: bundling
• It started at Raley’s, where he stopped buying individually wrapped celery sticks and wisely splurged for a bunch
• Then he went ham on his streaming services, and found that he could save by bundling all the awful apps that have mostly overlapping content and IP instead of subscribing to them individually. He still subscribes to them individually too since they are a pain to cancel, but optically there’s a discount somewhere in there
• But his most lucrative move was going deep into Final Boss Sour’s new build your own bundle webpage
• Joshington now stacks Souranges, Chili Limons, Watermelon PAC-Man dippers, Green Apple Mango Bites and Punch-Out Peaches to cash in on a 25% discount
• His financial advisor/hamster tells him if he gets another 1,268 bundles he can afford a soft-sided hyperbaric oxygen chamber for his condo porch
| LIVE SCENES FROM GOOBERLAND |
| ● LIVE | GOOBERLAND CAM 1 |
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| A fresh harvest of torturous apples. |
| The Torture Orchard, Gooberland |
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