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In a recurring series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland’s minibosses. In today’s episode, reporter Peter Upton Swanson-Stillman follows up with Magmara, the cassowary kaiser of the Temple of Flames and miniboss of Souranges Level 4
Drums beat. Temple minions chant. Darkness breaks under flickering firelight
• Peter Upton Swanson-Stillman: Listen, Magmara I’m back. And this time I’m not going to be intimidated. I have serious questions and I need truthful answers and then I’ll be gone
• Magmara: If you are not afraid, then why are you quivering and wearing a kevlar vest under your sweaty suit?
• PUSS: Gary Gorilla has been using his sternum as a cup holder since you kicked him at Back to School Night. I’ve got kids too. Now, there have been credible reports that your Level 4 Souranges have been altering the taste buds of 7-Eleven shoppers across America. Why do you think your citrocities are safe for human consumption?
• M: You return to the Temple of Flames to ask the master why her lava-forged oranges are only for the worthy?
• PUSS: You know, it’s impolite to answer a question with another…
• M: (Dead bird-eye stares at the reporter for 40 long seconds)
• PUSS: I’ve been watching you this whole time, how did you just get into kicking range?
• M: When millions are hooked on my fruit, with sour vitamin C coursing through their veins, they will redirect their allegiance to me and not my so-called boss. On these caustic grounds I will seize the throne and become the sole tormentor of Gooberland
• PUSS: Wow, that was..forthright. But why tell me now? It’s early in your coup plan and when I get out of here totally fine and alive I will…
• M: (Stares intently as minions with shovels surround the reporter)
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4 LEVELS OF FUN-SIZED SOUR FRUIT HIT DIGITAL SHELVES JUST IN TIME TO BE TOO EARLY FOR HALLOWEEN
Gazette culture reporter Merry “Calendar Creep” Sheep takes a break from untangling her Christmas lights to report on the new product launch
• Happy 90 days of Christmas, fam! It’s me, the calendar creeper here to make you anxious about your lack of planning
• And while I published all of my Halloween candy reviews and trend forecasts back in mid-August, a new one came across my desk and I just had to squeeze it in
• TikTok-trendy sour candy company Final Boss Sour just launched their Halloween fun-sized 80-packs…today!
• If you’re like me, and god help you if you aren’t, you’ve already laid out all your home and office candy bowls for this year’s spooky season
• But if you are having regrets about all the sugar and gelatin you will be consuming and serving to your neighbor’s kids, it’s not too late to make a swap
• And this year, Final Boss went all out with a variety pack of 4 fruits and 4 different levels of sourness to be inclusive of all sour tolerances and beliefs
• And O Tannenbaum look at this! They also included some Christmas notes on the packaging to flex into the next holiday (don’t ask me about Thanksgiving, there’s no time for foolishness)
• Finally, The Final Boss is on time
| LIVE SCENES FROM GOOBERLAND |
| ● LIVE | GOOBERLAND CAM 1 |
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| Temple unattended. The kaiser was last seen inspecting a Yogurtland toppings bar |
| The Temple of Flames, Gooberland |
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