GOOBERLAND TRAMPLINGS UP 86% THIS WEEK AS SHIRLEY TEMPLE CHERRIES ARE BACK IN STOCK
• It’s been a year of fits and starts for Reddrick, the sharp-horned Bull of the Cramplona Run and miniboss of Shirley Temple Cherries Level 2
• In April, the product was dropped and became the fastest sellout in Final Boss Sour history
• In July, the product was brought back “permanently” and Reddrick was appointed to the miniboss position due to his cherry-red-visually-stimulated apoplectic fits
• The bull spent the back half of summer plowing through flea markets and music festivals, leaving dozens gored, hooved and fully sent out of arenas and public squares
• But by early September, fans had consumed all of the planned inventory for 2026 and Reddrick reverted to his natural, tranquil state
• However, this week, just as he was on shade 47/48 of his Sandro Botticelli Birth of Venus paint by numbers, The Final Boss reloaded and released another boatful of the irresistibly red tart soda-loaded fruits
• Reddrick, now with red and white bullseye eyes and smoke fuming out of both nostrils, tells The Gazette “This is getting emotionally exhausting”
|
SOUR CANDY APPLE FESTIVAL IN O’FALLON, MO HOSTS AMERICA’S FIRST GURNING CONTEST
• Two weeks ago candy brand Final Boss Sour dropped Level 2 Sour Candy Apples to great fanfare, and, The World Gurning Championship took place at the Egremont Crab Fair in the UK. Enter Graham Gluber (68) of O’Fallon
• Gluber has spent the last 12 months, his first year of retirement, eating Final Boss Sour and making progressively gnarlier sour faces in the mirror
• He was chomping on the sweet and sour candy apples and gumming his eyelids while reading an article about gurning and he knew instantly how he was going to spend the rest of his life
• He spent ¾ of his remaining 401k to rent out the festival grounds at Ozzie Smith Sports Complex, hire vendors, and advertise this week’s event on Great Day St. Louis on KMOV Channel 4
• And while the contestants were all new to gurning, Gluber gave each a handful of sour apples to gnaw on before their first gurn turn
• And instead of a horsecollar like those gents across the pond, Gluber had folks frame their gurns in his broken George Foreman grill that was collecting dust in his basement
• Sadly, inaugural champion Wendy Roosterman was barred from advancing to the World Tour after testing positive for performance-enhancing fruit
| LIVE SCENES FROM GOOBERLAND |
| ● LIVE | GOOBERLAND CAM 1 |
|
| The candy apple line now runs longer than the waiver line for the Sidewinder |
| Connie Con Carnival, The Torture Orchard, Gooberland |
|
