February 24, 2024

The Gooberland Gazette #24

TOP STORY

SOOTHSAYER SUMMONS SOUR SUCKER

Kentwood, MI medium Seraphina Moonshadow operates a thriving seance business out of the back of the CITGO on 44th St. SE

Lately she has developed a psychic connection with Final Boss Sour Level 1 Cranberries

When she eats the sour candy while invocating spirits, she can predict the next member of the sour cult

Watch with an open heart

CLASSIFIEDS

Two small critters hold hands while wearing mining gear

SEEKING MINOR MINERS – SHARDSHAFT MINES

We’re looking for inexperienced young pups to work long hours underground with limited light and ventilation

Yes, thanks to a recent regulations rollback by The Final Boss, kids as young as four can join our “Junior Blasters and Shaftmen” program

All kids love digging, explosions and black boogers. Now they can get paid a monthly stipend to do what they love

And don’t worry parents, your lil’ ones will be inadequately trained and supervised by Moo.  As the kids say, “You might see Moo, but Moo can’t see you”

Interested applicants can send signed waivers and dietary restrictions to ShardShaft Mines, Gooberland 4K709

SHOP STRAWBERRIES

HEALTH

SOUR BLUEBERRIES PROVIDE MAN WITH COURAGE NEEDED TO JOIN NEW ONLINE COMMUNITY

Amazon shopper Jack W. says he “never ever give(s) reviews”

However, after sampling Final Boss Sour Level 3 Blueberries, Jack jumped in with a 5-star post, joining the community of people who review stuff online

The Gazette’s psych expert June Bug has a theory on how this came about: 
We in the mental health field have known for years that eating sour foods promotes healthy risk-taking. It is likely that Jack has consumed Amazon reviews for years but due to self-doubt or social pressures, never felt like he was worthy to leave one himself.  However, when his brain became gorked out on Level 3 blueberries, his inhibitions faded and he was free to express himself, beautifully. Bravo Jack!

BUY MORE FINAL BOSS

SPORTS

CHANTAILLE JUMPS BACK UP IN THE RANKINGS IN AN EFFORT TO RECLAIM HER TITLE BELT
 
 UPDATED TOP 5 SOURHEADS: 

1. ERIK O - NY, NY.......264 bags
2. CHNTL W - AUSTL, GA...240 bags

3. PAUL A - BRCK, NJ.....240 bags

4. DAN S - ST LS PK, MN..228 bags
5. SPHN L - LS VGS, NV...216 bags

Message @finalbosssour on Instagram with how many bags you've defeated to join the standings.

Got a Scoop?:
Reach out to us at: scoop@finalbosssour.com
 
If we run it, you win free stuff!

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Final Boss Sour 1447 2nd Street Suite 200 Santa Monica, California 90401
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The Gooberland Gazette #24

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The Gooberland Gazette #24

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