March 02, 2024

The Gooberland Gazette #25

TOP STORY

FINAL BOSS’ SECRET STASH ROBBERY ENDS WITH TROPICAL ESCAPE 
Sung to Rupert Holmes “Escape (The Pina Colada Song)"

🎶 He was tired of mopping / He’d just been mopping too long

And he’d worn out his sponges /'Til the graffiti was gone

So he snuck through a portal / Behind biology class

To the Final Boss dungeon / Where he stole a new stash 🎶

🎶 Yes he took Sour Colada / And he tossed his old mop

And he took enough product / To do a limited drop

If you like mango-pineapple-and-coconut / Then you are in good shape

Just get some sour for your spring break / And join Ralph’s escape 🎶

THE ENVIRONMENT

An elephant, lion and zebra drink from a lake filled with cola

FINAL BOSS TURNS DARENGETI WATERING HOLE INTO COLA POOL

Intimidated by the dense muscles and strong teeth of the plains animals, the Final Boss has ordered the local watering hole to be spiked with high fructose corn syrup, artificial caramel coloring and phosphoric acid

Gassy hippos provide the necessary carbonation and the end result is a giant pool of Coke

The measure was put in place and executed by Beester, when the Final Boss heard grumblings of a revolt among the more powerful predators of the grasslands

Beester says the Final Boss hopes the cola hole will erode the enamel and resolve of the disgruntled colony and generally “make everyone more soft”

Box of Final Boss Sour Sour Colada on a beach

SHOP SOUR COLADA

BEAUTY

‘PICASSO FACE’ IS LATEST TREND THANKS TO SOUR STRAWBERRIES

Gazette beauty expert June Baboon explains “Proper skin care is as much about what you put in your body as what you put on your body”

Baboon says that due to the extreme sourness of Level 3 Strawberries, edible beauty products can now fully transform your face into a work of art

Paris fashion model Claire Boisvert explains how she works the strawberries into her beauty routine:

Oui, in the morning after my 18-product skin care and makeup regiment and before I walk out the door, I slam a handful of Level Trois Strawberries. As the sourness is coursing through my pores my lips elevate above my eyebrows  and my left eye hangs gracefully off the right side of my chin

Boisvert warns sour noobs against jumping right into the regiment or over doing it, claiming it took her weeks to build up the sour stamina and that she only full-on rages on days of high profile shoots

BUY MORE FINAL BOSS

SPORTS

Mr.300 ERIK O FROM NEW YORK SHATTERS SOUR MILESTONE
 
 UPDATED TOP 5 SOURHEADS: 

1. ERIK O - NY, NY.......300 bags
2. PAUL A - BRCK, NJ.....288 bags
3. CHNTL W - AUSTL, GA...240 bags

4. DAN S - ST LS PK, MN..228 bags
5. STVE L - LS VGS, NV...216 bags

Message @finalbosssour on Instagram with how many bags you've defeated to join the standings.

Got a Scoop?:
Reach out to us at: scoop@finalbosssour.com
 
If we run it, you win free stuff!

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The Gooberland Gazette #25

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The Gooberland Gazette #25

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