March 08, 2024

The Gooberland Gazette #26

TOP STORY

POWERED BY SOUR, WOMAN ABRUPTLY ENDS FRIEND’S MLM ESSENTIAL OILS PITCH WITH A HARD ‘NO’

Lindsay Conway of Madison, WI thought she was just meeting her friend Gail for coffee to catch up

But after the initial niceties, Gail began talking about how drops of Sandalwood and Frankincense had totally elevated her well-being

When she pivoted to “I'm actually part of a really cool company that sells these oils…” Conway cut her off with an incredibly hard pass

Conway attributes the courage to take this social risk to the Level 2 Blueberries she was snacking on

“The quick jolt of sour snapped me out of Gail’s MLM vortex and gave me the guts to take back my afternoon”

COMMUNITY

MEET YOUR MINIBOSS SERIES PROFILES JAWSLICER

In a continuing series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland’s minibosses. In today’s episode, reporter Tanya Olivia O’Toole profiles Jawslicer, loyal henchman to the Final Boss and the miniboss of Cranberry Level 2

Tanya Olivia O’Toole: Jawslicer, thanks for sitting down with me. You’ve been a loyal stooge to the Final Boss for a few months now.  How’s it going?

Jawslicer: It’s an honor, Tanya. It has been truly life changing.  Before his sour reign, all the individual freedoms left my mediocrity completely exposed.  But now that I have an unmerited role near the top of the hierarchy, I feel as safe as when I was back in my mom’s nest    

TOOT: That does sound lovely. What kind of biddings does the Final Boss have you doing these days? 
 
JS: Oh, all kinds of crummy stuff. Funny story, I was late to this interview because while I was pouring salt into the soil owned by a farmer he doesn’t like, I realized I could also plug some invasive bacteria into his irrigation system and manipulate the water supply for all of East Goomire. I crossed two off my list! 

TOOT: Very efficient.  What will you do with the time saved?

JS: I think I’ll ambush some prey on my way home and kick back and watch a few eps of Suits. Did you know Suits is actually a pretty good show? I had no idea back when it was on basic cable

TOOT: I’ve heard. Thanks for your time

Box of Final Boss Sour Sour Colada on a beach

SHOP SOUR COLADA

MENTAL HEALTH

Man in cowboy hat winces and holds a pack of Sour Strawberries

OKC MAN A BALL OF RAGE FOR NOT GETTING PAST LEVEL 1 STRAWBERRIES

Taylor Thomas of Norman, OK is about to completely lose it

When Sour Strawberries launched last month, Thomas was going to just jump into level 3, but he decided to go for the Strawberry Multipack in case some of his wimpy co-workers wanted to try as well

“I thought, how sour could these strawberries be?”

But just one whiff of Level 3’s made his back hair curl, so he started the game at Level 1

Its now been weeks, and Thomas is still stuck on Level 1, unable to advance and in serious danger of rage quitting

As the attempts continue and he remains stuck, he has begun to doubt his skills and abilities. Thoughts like "Am I not good enough?" have started to creep in, leading to a loss of confidence and self-esteem

The Gazette urges Thomas and cowboys like him to buck up and hang in there.  With more practice, he will get to the promised land

BUY MORE FINAL BOSS

SPORTS

SHIBLI H COMES FROM OUT OF LEFT FIELD TO TOP THE RANKINGS
 
 UPDATED TOP 5 SOURHEADS: 

1. SHLBI H - PSDN, CA....360 bags
2. WLM V - ALHMBR, CA....336 bags
3. ERK O - NY, NY........300 bags
4. PAUL A - BRCK, NJ.....288 bags
5. BRND W - ALN PK, MI...252 bags

Message @finalbosssour on Instagram with how many bags you've defeated to join the standings.

Got a Scoop?:
Reach out to us at: scoop@finalbosssour.com
 
If we run it, you win free stuff!

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The Gooberland Gazette #26

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The Gooberland Gazette #26

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