March 16, 2024

The Gooberland Gazette #27

TOP STORY

CUNNING KID SWINDLES SWASHBUCKLERS IN SOUR STRAWBERRY MANGO MANIA

In a move that would make Gordon Gecko blush, middle schooler Timmy Worthington bought low and sold high winning a zero-sum trade with two greedy pirates

Worthington's diamond hands held on to the last pouch from Final Boss Sour’s epic Black Friday Sour Strawberry Mango drop despite skyrocketing secondary demand

The incredible combination of sweet and sour forced a run on the Final Boss’ coffers, and made the two bumbling buccaneers blinded by greed

Worthington sold at the top of the market, just before Final Boss Sour Announced the product is now back permanently, thus bringing the price back down to an affordable $29.99 for four 3.5oz bags

Prospectors are scooping up supplies at this price in case there is another shock to the market

OPINION

Animated GIF of a hippo dressed as a pirate

WHAT BRUMBLEBUTT’S ARRIVAL MEANS FOR GOOBERLAND

Ian Inchworm is a columnist for The Gazette writing about NPC rights, the environment and field hockey

While it hasn’t yet been confirmed by The Gazette, there have been multiple reported sightings of the Queen Cringe off the coast of Crockweiler Public Beach

Rumors from the ports are that deviant pirate Captain Brumblebutt, upon receiving word of the rise to power of the Final Boss Sour, charted course straight to our fair realm

While his alleged arrival does signal the return of Sour Strawberry Mango, the broader consequences are dire

You see dear readers, a rapacious glutton like Captain ‘Butt can only thrive in an environment of corrupt rule and broken institutions where he can feast on the gullible and the indifferent

So when we gaze offshore and hear his grunts and honks, we mustn't tremble in fear but unite in resolve, for the presence of Brumblebutt heralds not just a return of plunder but a call to arms against the tyranny that allows such villains to thrive!

Box of Final Boss Sour Strawberry Mango flavor

SHOP STRAWBERRY MANGO

POLITICS

Bagpipe player walking in parade yells at camera

SOUR HEADS BANNED FROM MARCHING IN NYC ST. PATRICK’S DAY PARADE

The arrival and growth of Final Boss Sour has resulted in a surge of Americans coming out as "Sour Heads" (those who love smashing their taste receptors with epic sourness)

Many of these individuals previously kept this part of themselves hidden from the mainstream, perhaps ashamed of getting their kicks from tired kid-shaped gummies produced by Big Sour

But now this community is ready to go public, and who would say no to them strolling down 5th Avenue in a giant Cranberry float on St. Paddy’s Day?

Well, it's the Perpetuating Irish Stereotypes Society (P.I.S.S.) saying no

Their reasoning? According to Grandmaster Finneas McCool:
St. Patrick’s Day is all about consuming bland foods like cabbage, potatoes and Guiness.  There’s no place for these sour shenanigans. Furthermore, these sour berry crops soak up all the water from mucky green potato farmland. Yes, they’re always after me mucky farms!

BUY MORE FINAL BOSS

SPORTS

SOUR SEEDING SET AHEAD OF MARCH MADNESS
 
 UPDATED TOP 5 SOURHEADS: 

1. SHLBI H - PSDN, CA....360 bags
2. WLM V - ALHMBR, CA....336 bags
3. ERK O - NY, NY........300 bags
4. PAUL A - BRCK, NJ.....288 bags
5. BRND W - ALN PK, MI...252 bags

Message @finalbosssour on Instagram with how many bags you've defeated to join the standings.

Got a Scoop?:
Reach out to us at: scoop@finalbosssour.com
 
If we run it, you win free stuff!

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The Gooberland Gazette #27

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The Gooberland Gazette #27

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