March 23, 2024

The Gooberland Gazette #28

TOP STORY

CONSPIRING CAT CONJURES COUP WITH CANDY CONVERSION

In a desperate attempt to off his owners and join paws with his love partner William, this cat turned to Amazon

The philandering feline searched “most sour candy” and concluded that Final Boss Sour Level 1 Blueberries would take out his master

It's not the first, nor will it be the last time this cat tries to topple the power structure at 374 Morningside Ln in Leaner, TX

Check out how it all went down

CRISIS AT THE BORDER

QUINNIE’S SOUR SENSES CONFIRM STRAWBERRY MANGO CONTRABAND ABOARD THE QUEEN CRINGE

When longshoreducks spotted the infamous pirate ship off the coast of Crockweiler Public Beach, the authorities placed a hurried call to sour swami and Hank’s heroic sidekick, Quinnie the Quokka

“I was super psyched to help” said Quinnie, “I had heard of the sour mangos that grow in far away lands, but never thought I’d encounter them here in Gooberland”

From the shoreline, once the winds shifted, Quinnie caught an unfamiliar sour whiff

“It was totally a false alarm” she said when she realized she picked up the scent of ship’s head after Brumblebutt’s breakfast

“But then I closed my eyes and allowed my extrasensory perception to take over.  I was transported to the ship's hold where I could almost taste the barrels of Sour Strawberry Mango”

The Gooberland department of Agriculture and Cheese has ordered the ship and its mateys to remain quarantined to prevent outbreak of the potentially invasive crop. An order that has zero chance of being followed

Box of Final Boss Sour Strawberry Mango flavor

SHOP STRAWBERRY MANGO

ASTROPHYSICS

Man behind scales, one side carries blueberries the other cranberries

VERNAL EQUINOX BRINGS BALANCE TO CAUSTIC CONNOISSEUR OF SOUR CANDY 

Harv Gutman, Vet Tech from Henderson, NV likes to eat sour blueberries during the day and sour cranberries at night

“Yeah, so what?” remarked Gutman when asked by The Gazette for comment

Well Harv, the so what is that your body craves balance and through the long nights of winter your constitution is in shambles, being 2 parts cran and only 1 part blueberry

Have you even thought about how you might be overprotected against UTIs with the cranberries, but under eye-healthed without the lutein and zeaxanthin from blueberries that may help protect the eyes from age-related macular degeneration and other eye conditions!?

Thank the heavens for March 19th. Since day and night are in approximately equal in duration, with the sun rising due east and setting due west, you can finally be 50/50 cran/blue

The Gazette will check back in with you in June when your irresponsible a$$ will no doubt be over blood-sugar-controlled with excessive blueberries and mal-oral-healthed without enough compounds found in cranberries that may help prevent bacteria from sticking to teeth, thereby reducing the risk of cavities and gum disease!

BUY MORE FINAL BOSS

SPORTS

SAJA FROM NY SHOOTS INTO THE FAB 5
 
 UPDATED TOP 5 SOURHEADS: 

1. SHLBI H - PSDN, CA....360 bags
2. SAJA D -  GRSN, NY....336 bags
2. WLM V - ALHMBR, CA....300 bags
3. ERK O - NY, NY........288 bags
5. BRND W - ALN PK, MI...252 bags

Message @finalbosssour on Instagram with how many bags you've defeated to join the standings.

Got a Scoop?:
Reach out to us at: scoop@finalbosssour.com
 
If we run it, you win free stuff!

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The Gooberland Gazette #28

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The Gooberland Gazette #28

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