May 31, 2024

The Gooberland Gazette #38

TOP STORY

DANGEROUS RISE IN CONFIDENCE AMONG CYCLIST DADS LINKED TO SOUR FRUIT CONSUMPTION

Pedestrians and motorists across suburbia are reporting a crisis on the roads and paths

Spandex-clad dads are apparently more entitled than ever thanks to the rise of Final Boss Sour’s Level Destroying Sampler Pack

Glenn Riggins of Natick, MA, a product manager and father of three during the week and “mad crankster of the rural routes” on the weekends, explains “The extreme risk-boosting sourness combined with my ability to quickly dominate levels has really accelerated my transformation to total douche of the roadways”

Neighbors have recently witnessed Riggins and his troupe the “Rogaine Chain Gang” go 2x2 in the driving lane, describe traffic lights as “boomer tech” and terrify 4th grade field trip lines with angry calls of “On your left!”

The Gazette urges kids and moms to stop sharing Final Boss with Dad in an effort to reduce nationwide congestion and frustration

MUSIC

CLAWRISSA DROPS A CONTRIVED CLAPBACK ALBUM DURING A MILESTONE FOR OLIVIA RODRIGO’S ‘SOUR’

In a transparent trendjack, canceled pop star and Cranberry Level 3 miniboss, Clawrissa hastily released an album called “Sourer” which she claims is a response to a direct diss from Rodrigo

The move comes as Rodrigo’s debut “Sour” became the most streamed female album of all time

Clawrissa claims Rodrigo’s songs about teenage angst and heartbreak are actually just veiled insults aimed at Clawrissa’s new loyalty to the Final Boss Sour

The alley cat claims the two artists have a longstanding beef stemming from when one of her backup-dancing felines got rescued by Rodrigo’s agent

Rodrigo couldn’t be bothered to comment, but a few of her Livies have been reportedly debating doxing the condemned cat

“Sourer” which contains vulgar and desperate tracks like “Gimme Back My P***y” and “Calico C**t” has been streamed at Final Boss rallies and boat parades across seedy parts of Gooberland

SHOP SOUR SAMPLER

WEATHER

Graphic that reads: Summer heat may cause stickiness, to fix put Final Boss in the fridge for an hour

EXTREME HEAT AND WEATHER RESULTING IN STICKY STRAWBERRIES FOR SOUR CUSTOMERS

Extreme weather has caused devastation across the United States and has even begun to affect fans of Final Boss Sour

Gazette meteorologist Boone Loon has been covering the developments:

It seems as if the heat wave in the south combined with the tornadoes and floods in the plains has created a perfect storm where juicier sour fruits like mangos and strawberries are sitting for longer than normal on hotter FedEx trucks on their way from the Final Boss’ secret slophole to the doorsteps of its addicted fans, resulting in excess moisture 

In a rare public statement, the Final Boss himself asked customers to literally chill:

If your sour fruit is too sticky for you, just pop it in the freezer for an hour.  It will snap right back to its twinge-tangling intended form and become more refreshing at the same time

SHOP SOUR

SPORTS

WITH LESS THAN 24 HOURS TO GO IN THE SPRING SOUR SEASON, CHARLES FROM TX MAKES A POWER MOVE. WHO WILL GET IN?
 
 UPDATED TOP 5 SOURHEADS: 

1. ERIK O -  NY, NY......540 bags
2. SAJA D -  GRSN, NY....420 bags
3. PAUL A - BRCK, NJ.....408 bags
4. CHRLS A - CRLTN, TX...384 bags
5. ZCH G - CLG PK, MD....372 bags

Message @finalbosssour on Instagram with how many bags you've defeated to join the standings.

Got a Scoop?:
Reach out to us at: scoop@finalbosssour.com
 
If we run it, you win free stuff!

TikTok

Instagram

YouTube

No longer want to receive these emails? Unsubscribe.
Final Boss Sour 1447 2nd Street Suite 200 Santa Monica, California 90401
Open in your browser

The Gooberland Gazette #38

Share:

Your cart -

Blueberry Launch Menu

The Gooberland Gazette #38

Share:

Your cart -