June 07, 2024

The Gooberland Gazette #39

TOP STORY

Man shaves face while wearing grooming apron

LEVEL 2 CRANBERRIES HELP WEST FLORIDA MOM SNAP OUT OF CRIPPLING ADDICTION TO TEMU

Penny Duncan of Naples had a problem

With one month left of her maternity leave before returning to her nursing job, Duncan discovered viral discount selling app Temu

“Yesterday I just had to unlock my $300 Lightning Deal, luckily I got 63% off a 3-pack of booty lifting butt shorts for me, 41% off an automatic tennis ball shooter for Pugsley and 174% off a premium men's beard grooming apron for my hubby”

(When reached for comment, said hubby says he is looking forward to being able to shave in his business suit and no longer have his beard clippings fall conveniently into the sink)

Duncan was hooked, so much so that she thought about shopping full time instead of returning to work

“If I miss these flash deals, how will Pugsley be able to chew on chemical-smelling knockoff Snoopys?”

Fortunately, her 7-year-old son Wilder recognized the doom scroll and acted fast, giving Mom a handful of Level 2 Cranberries

The shock of sour allowed Duncan to extract her conscious from gamified shopping and pivot back to her career

LAW

ELDERGLOOM JUDGE GRANTS ARACHNOTHORN ‘CARTE-BLANCHE WITNESS’ STATUS ON ANY TRIAL

In an affront to 230 years of Gooberland jurisprudence, Eldergloom District Court Judge Karen Bear ruled this week that the rabble-rousing spider and Miniboss of Cranberry Level 1, can just waltz into the courtroom and provide testimony whenever he would like

The ruling stems from Eldergloom vs. Chipmunk where Charlie Chipmunk was being tried for treason for peacefully objecting to the Final Boss’ initiative to sour all the acorns in the forest, thus inhibiting germination

When the prosecution was strapped for evidence, they brought in Arachnothorn, who was irrelevant to the case, just to talk smack about ole Charlie

“I heard Charlie forages in the burrows of blind pups” proved to be the damning testimony that got the maligned chipmunk sentenced to be bound and tossed into a hawks nest

Judge Bear was so thrilled to report the outcome to the Final Boss that she came up with “perma-looney witness” status for the spider

SHOP SOUR SAMPLER

CRIME

AMAZON CUSTOMER GETS ABUSED BY SOUR BLUEBERRIES. AND LIKES IT

“Punch in my mouth”, “tart as F” and “like eating 3 lemons at once” are not phrases typically found in 5-star reviews

However, in Brian W’s Amazon review, New favorite, penned last week, W bucked the trend

“Definitely closest I’ve come to finding a pretty sour candy. Any plans for level 4? Lol” added Brian

His review has broken Amazon’s 2020 AI summary system which now claims that customers both love and hate Final Boss because it is too sour

SHOP SOUR

SPORTS

THE SEASON IS OVER, THE TOP FIVE ARE BEING SIZED FOR THEIR JACKETS, ERIK O REIGNS SUPREME
 
 SPRING SEASON FINAL RANKINGS: 

1. ERIK O -  NY, NY......576 bags
2. SAJA D -  GRSN, NY....552 bags
3. WLM V - ALHMBR, CA....480 bags
4. PAUL A - BRCK, NJ.....408 bags
5. CHRLS A - CRLTN, TX...384 bags

Message @finalbosssour on Instagram with how many bags you've defeated to join the standings.

Got a Scoop?:
Reach out to us at: [email protected]
 
If we run it, you win free stuff!

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The Gooberland Gazette #39

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