IS IT SEASONAL OR YEAR-ROUND? THE QUESTION TEARING APART OUR NATION ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏
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“Ok, the Halloween box is deadass seasonal, but what about the Cranberries? And the Apple Dippers drop? Those low-key feel like fall items. I’m tripping right now” cried Hendrix Castleman after pursuing the entire Final Boss Sour catalog
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Castleman is not alone, according to The Schloffman Institute, the number one most polarizing issue in the US this fall is whether certain autumnal or Halloweeny things sold at stores are year-round skus or just being offered seasonally
- Leading scholar on this cultural schism, Vandals and Foo Fighters drummer Josh Freese has hit on the epicenter of the problem: BooBerry Cereal at Target where even the employees are mixed
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Freese has also uncovered a TJ Maxx Smashing Pumpkins T-shirt that may very well tear apart the fabric of our democracy
- When reached for comment, The Final Boss refused to throw water on the fire by admitting which products might come off the site come Christmastime saying that “I find it easier to do horrible things when my subjects are embroiled in petty conflict”
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THAT GUY IS A REAL HOOT In a new column, Eustace, the demonic owl from the Halloween Box, tells readers who fluffs him up with joy. His first column is about the wonderful world of modern television
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Law and Order creator Dick Wolf. He created a winner in SVU that hooked fans, but now he thinks he’s Marvel and has to upsell us on meaningless spinoffs. Oh, the fans want Stabler back? Let’s do it, but put him on a crappier show and have the two plots co-dependently linked so people get to suffer through both! That Dick Wolf is a real hoot!
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I just love when AT&T and Disney get into a public price dispute and involve their subscribers. For days fans get no ESPN and are asked to beg DirecTV to come to the table like divorcing parents using their kids for leverage. Then the two billionaire CEOs shake hands and just agree to charge subscribers more. AT&T and Disney, those guys are real hoots!
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Did you catch the big game? Well thanks to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, the answer is ‘it depends’! He lords over the most compelling product in live TV and really makes you work to enjoy it. How about paying $1,488 for 4 months of cable, Sunday Ticket, Red Zone, Prime and a VPN to avoid blackouts just to watch the stumbling Dolphins beat the Patriots 15-10? That Roger Goodell is a real hoot!
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MOM TAKES EXTREME MEASURES TO PREVENT SONS FROM LEARNING THAT SOUR CANDY IS BETTER FOR YOU
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When Carlsbad, CA mother Deb Chambers was referred to Final Boss Sour, her friend Janet told her “just don’t tell your boys they are better for you lol”
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Chambers, who takes everything way too literally, vowed to do just that
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First, she used white out to mask all the ingredients and nutrition panels on the Ultimate Sour Sampler Box
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Then, she updated her home Xfinity xFi Parental Controls to block the Final Boss Website and Amazon listings
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After making her husband and mailman sign enforceable NDAs, Deb was shocked to discover that you could learn about Final Boss Sour on social media
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Left with no other option, she packed up her valuables and moved the family to North Korea, where, as of now, no one knows that these products are high in antioxidants and contain no artificial ingredients, colors or preservatives
- “I’d rather my boys partake in school labor mobilization programs than break a promise to Janet” she told The Gazette as she crossed the Yalu river from China with her sons in tow
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JENNIFER FROM CT HOLDS THE TOP FALL SPOT
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (FALL):
1.JNFR H - WSTPRT, CT...228 bags 2.JHN B - WDBRDG, VA....216 bags
3.RSHD L - MT VRN, NY...192 bags
4.RY T - LA PRT, TX.....192 bags
5.BRT C - N LS VGS, NV..180 bags
Message @finalbosssour on Instagram with how many bags you've defeated to join the standings.
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Got a Scoop?:
Reach out to us at: scoop@finalbosssour.com
If we run it, you win free stuff!
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