What do Tiffany, Ashlee Simpson and Final Boss Sour have in common? They all released greatest hits albums way too early in their careers
In the Thanksgiving surprise that no one expected, the one-year-old sour candy brand released a greatest hits product at a CVS-bin discounted price
It’s rumored that the promotion was an effort by the Final Boss to clear out his pungent dungeon to make room for another year’s worth of brutally sour concoctions in 2025
Scientifically, there is no better way to recover from Thanksgiving and re-boot your system for the holidays than by chowing down on 8 products across 4 levels of twinge tangly goodness from Level 1 Sour Colada all the way to Level 4 Sour Cherry Lemon Lime
LARDSWORTH BALLOON DEFLATES THE SPIRIT OF GRIMESSQUARE THANKSGIVING PARADE
Incorrectly assuming that his minibosses are actually gaining popularity amongst Gooberlandians, The Final Boss entered a giant Lardsworth balloon to kick off the annual parade
The 54’x69’x52’ balloon made of over 700 feet of polyurethane featured the Blueberry Level 1 miniboss with his signature polo, sweatervest and no pants
The parade’s announcers Kate Skate and Chaz Bass, tried really hard to sell the image, reading the provided script about the pig’s “loyalty and decisive rule over the wayward heathens of Frumpkin Hills”
But the crowd was just not having it. Whether it was the image of inflated oppression or the smells emanating from his gas release valve, Grimessquare onlookers scattered Sniff Avenue leaving the rest of the parade a bit sour
Lardsworth declined to comment on the controversy as his aides told The Gazette he has begun his 4 day post-Thanksgiving feast coma
INSPIRED BY SOUR CHAMOY, “THE TONG SONG” JUMPS TO NUMBER 1
Final Boss Sour Chamoy dropped last week and it has captured the creativity of the nation
Fans are loving the sour and hot combo of fruits, acids and spices, but perhaps the sneaky winner of the box is the wooden tongs included to keep customers’ hands clean
R&B sex symbol Sisqo dropped an ode to the add-on with his #1 Hit “The Tong Song”:
She’s got fruits like a stand, stand, stand
No schmutz on my hand, hand, hand
For chamoy…Let me see that tong
I like how tajin heats da na na
Acids make my lips go da na na
Girl I know you wanna pass, those tong, ta-tong-tong-tongs
