CHRISTMAS CANTALOUPE IS THE NEW HOLIDAY HIT ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏
- Move over Love Actually, this holiday season The Hallmark Channel invites you to cozy up to what is sure to be the next Christmas classic
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Christmas Cantaloupe is a modern adaptation of the legendary 1862 Christmas Cantaloupe miracle of Skokie, IL, celebrated in timeless song and story
- In the film, Cam, overacted by Brian Tennerman, returns home from his big city banker job and falls for small-time Claire at the tree stand while reaching for the perfect Christmas Cantaloupe
- Can Claire (predictably portrayed by Karen Wetherly), convince Cam to embrace small town values by sucking on sour melons?
- Or will Claire’s evil ex, an old guy that might be Santa, or other cliche characters make it so they can’t elope?
- The only way to find out is to buy Final Boss Sour’s December Drop Level 2 Christmas Cantaloupe
- The sweet and sour way to celebrate the holiday launches today will sell out fast, so get yours now!
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ANTI-CLAUS SET TO VISIT YOUNG GOOBERLANDIANS THIS CHRISTMAS EVE
- Christmas kind of snuck up the Final Boss this year, leaving him scrambling to find ways to sour the holiday
- Then he remembered an obscure power-up from an even more obscure game: Anti-Claus mode from Sega’s 1994 Daze Before Christmas
- In the game when Santa, the hero, drinks a cup of coffee, he grows devil horns, dons a snarl and starts causing random chaos with his patented sack attack
- Upon remembering this, The Final Boss got his claws on this single source coffee, had his minions reformulate into time release capsules and has been force feeding them to Santa in the pungent dungeon
- But don’t worry kids, The Final Boss plans to release a totally tweaked Anti-Claused Santa on Christmas Eve, armed with his sack and list of kids to visit
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The Gazette advises concerned parents to be complicit and just let Anti-Claus sack attack their home and family in hopes that he will quickly move on to their neighbor’s house
- Also, instead of milk and cookies, Anti-Claus prefers the Level 3 Blueberries and Cranberries Multi-Pack
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TOOTHBRUSH AWAITS APPROVAL BY THE AMERICAN DENTAL ASSOCIATION
- While Final Boss Sour is beloved by sourheads, a small faction of dentists have presented opposition to sour cranberry fragments lodged between incisors
- Rather than wage a war with anti-dentite propaganda, the sour fruit startup has embraced the dental community and forged a coalition
- At the front lines of this new alliance is grown up Kevin McAllister who is going door-to-door to toothbrush dealers nationwide to verify that their wares are up to the rigorous standards of the American Dental Association
- Now, while four out of five dentists still recommend brushing after hammering a pouch of Level 1 Strawberries, 9 out of 10 agree that eating Final Boss Sour is better for your teeth and gums that the sugar globs peddled by Big Sour Candy
- And if you got this far, use code TOOTHBRUSH for free shipping on orders from now until New Years. Happy Holidays you filthy animals!
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MARCELL FROM TEXAS LASSOS THE LEAD
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (WINTER '24-'25):
1.MRCL H - CDR HL, TX...672 bags
2.BRNA R - FRPT, MI.....252 bags
3.SHRY W - NRM OK.......228 bags
4.JSE R - CHI, IL.......192 bags
5.RGN L - BRCK, NJ......180 bags
How many bags have you've defeated?? Message us on Instagram to join the standings.
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Got a Scoop?:
Reach out to us at: scoop@finalbosssour.com
If we run it, you win free stuff!
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