FAMILY FINALLY HAS SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT THANKS TO CHRISTMAS CANTALOUPE ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏
- The Henderson-Sweenys of Brookline, MA were bracing themselves for their annual anglo-saxon Christmas of meaningless small talk and painful pauses
- The weather was cold, which provided a much needed ice breaker, but with attendees from different political parties and a trough of unresolved family issues, the gathering was set to be another festival of emotional restraint
- But then, 11-year old Sklyer pulled out a bag of Final Boss Sour’s December Drop Level 2 Christmas Cantaloupe and the living room lit up
- “How on earth did they dry cantaloupe?” questioned cousin Courtney
- “I’m annoyed at how good this is” added Aunt Alison
- In no time, the risk-promoting effects of the sourness had taken hold and taboo topics were in play including Uncle Tony’s mukbang TikTok account and Mom’s crystal obsession
- As the family said their goodbyes, Skyler pledged to bump the family up to Level 3 for Easter
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FINAL BOSS TRIES TO INDUCE A GRINCH-LEVEL HEART ENLARGEMENT, FAILS, DOES MORE BAD STUFF
- In a rare moment of reflection and vulnerability, The Final Boss thought that all of his terror and cruelty might be because his heart was just a few sizes too small
- To test the theory, he drove to Eldergloom Forrest and parked his cyber truck outside of Charlie Chipmunk’s hut on Christmas morning, hoping that sounds of joy from the chipmunk children opening their chestnuts might fill his sour hole with sweetness
- Little Chaz and Charlene Chipmunk delivered, but the Final Boss felt nothing
- Relieved, the FB decided to salvage his trip by inflicting a holiday version of his sour oppression upon the critters
- He grabbed his loyal stooge Arachnothorn, who was attending morning mass, and the two of them turned the Chimpmunks’ christmas cabbage into caustic kimchi and iced their walkway to ensure the extended family a sour arrival
- Satisfied, the boss returned to his secret slophole to catch Christmas Cantaloupe on Lifetime
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SMALL-TOWN GIRL MAKES PAPER SNOWFLAKE WITH SUPER SERIOUS BUSINESS GUY’S Q4 REPORT
- Managing Director Cam Canterbury had his analysts pulling three consecutive all nighters to finalize his Q4 360 review of the firm’s business units
- The meeting took place on zoom, with the CEO watching from his condo in Jackson Hole and Canterbury snowed-in at his parent’s cabin in Vermont
- The presentation had all the juice to generate a top tier bonus for Cam, allowing him to afford the buy-in at a Connecticut country club to keep pace with his douchey friends
- But as Cam reached for the graph showing the profitable impact of reducing employee benefits, he realized his burgeoning love interest, Claire, has cut up the report into a snowflake to decorate the local Children’s Hospital
- At first, Cam was incensed, cursing his own weakness for falling for small town charm
- But as his eyes gazed on the unique pattern of the art and craft, he found the true meaning of Christmas
- The event was chronicled in the new movie based on Final Boss Sour’s December Drop Level 2 Christmas Cantaloupe
- Readers interested in having their own Hallmark moment are encouraged to pick up a box today before the sensation sells out
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SHERRY FROM OKLAHOMA LEADS THE HOLIDAY POWER RANKINGS
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (WINTER '24-'25):
1.SHRY W - NRMN, OK.....228 bags
2.JS R - CHCGO, IL......192 bags
3.DMTRS S - PMPLN NE....180 bags
4.TRCY S - NOHO, CA.....180 bags
5.RGN L - BRCK, NJ......180 bags
How many bags have you've defeated?? Message us on Instagram to join the standings.
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Got a Scoop?:
Reach out to us at: scoop@finalbosssour.com
If we run it, you win free stuff!
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