The Henderson-Sweenys of Brookline, MA were bracing themselves for their annual anglo-saxon Christmas of meaningless small talk and painful pauses
The weather was cold, which provided a much needed ice breaker, but with attendees from different political parties and a trough of unresolved family issues, the gathering was set to be another festival of emotional restraint
“How on earth did they dry cantaloupe?” questioned cousin Courtney
“I’m annoyed at how good this is” added Aunt Alison
In no time, the risk-promoting effects of the sourness had taken hold and taboo topics were in play including Uncle Tony’s mukbang TikTok account and Mom’s crystal obsession
As the family said their goodbyes, Skyler pledged to bump the family up to Level 3 for Easter
HEALTH
FINAL BOSS TRIES TO INDUCE A GRINCH-LEVEL HEART ENLARGEMENT, FAILS, DOES MORE BAD STUFF
In a rare moment of reflection and vulnerability, The Final Boss thought that all of his terror and cruelty might be because his heart was just a few sizes too small
To test the theory, he drove to Eldergloom Forrest and parked his cyber truck outside of Charlie Chipmunk’s hut on Christmas morning, hoping that sounds of joy from the chipmunk children opening their chestnuts might fill his sour hole with sweetness
Little Chaz and Charlene Chipmunk delivered, but the Final Boss felt nothing
Relieved, the FB decided to salvage his trip by inflicting a holiday version of his sour oppression upon the critters
He grabbed his loyal stooge Arachnothorn, who was attending morning mass, and the two of them turned the Chimpmunks’ christmas cabbage into caustic kimchi and iced their walkway to ensure the extended family a sour arrival
Satisfied, the boss returned to his secret slophole to catch Christmas Cantaloupe on Lifetime
SMALL-TOWN GIRL MAKES PAPER SNOWFLAKE WITH SUPER SERIOUS BUSINESS GUY’S Q4 REPORT
Managing Director Cam Canterbury had his analysts pulling three consecutive all nighters to finalize his Q4 360 review of the firm’s business units
The meeting took place on zoom, with the CEO watching from his condo in Jackson Hole and Canterbury snowed-in at his parent’s cabin in Vermont
The presentation had all the juice to generate a top tier bonus for Cam, allowing him to afford the buy-in at a Connecticut country club to keep pace with his douchey friends
