While the SATs can determine aptitude and essays can assess soul, college admissions departments struggle to find a way to grade applicants on a scale from timid NPC to full-blown psychopath
This lack of screening has led to a flood of both level-zero extras and walking grenades matriculating from top universities
The test asks prospective students to lick mangos and dip them in Level 3 sour powder to their desired level of sourness
Admissions director Dean Ayed explains “Harvard’s sweet spot is 5-6 on the dipper scale. We find that these students take appropriate risks while having the foresight to know they will need their taste buds for future snacking”
COMMUNITY
MEET YOUR MINIBOSS SERIES GETS AN UPDATE FROM LARDSWORTH
In a continuing series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland’s minibosses. In today’s episode, reporter Pamela Owens-Ortega follows up on her November 2023 interview with Lardsworth, the owner of Frumpkin Hill Farms and the miniboss of Blueberry Level 1
Pamela Owens-Ortega:Lardsworth thanks for reconnecting. How has farm business been in the year following your pact with the Final Boss?
Lardsworth: Great to see you, Pam. I can see the health code rollbacks have had a positive impact on your figure. Frumpkin Hill Farms is having a banner year. Now that my farmhands are free to work their 90-hour weeks without adequate shade and access to “hydration opportunities”, my profit margins are through the roof. Yes, the business aspect is going great...
POO:You seem conflicted, is everything ok?
LW: Yeah, it's just all the other strings attached with minibossing for the FB. Like, I’m fine to hoard sour blueberries and protect them from rebels, but did you know that he expects me to comment 'Legend 🔥' on all his social media posts—even the ones about his cats!
POO:No, but that doesn’t sound so bad…
LW: But that’s just the beginning! I also need to shine his boots and laugh when he makes mean jokes about my missus
NICK CANNON TEACHES HIS KIDS THAT REAL SOUR COMES FROM NATURE
Mega talent Nick Cannon was spotted by paparazzi this week rocking a limited edition Final Boss Sour hoodie
According to Backgrid, the Drumline and Masked Singer star, who has no business ties to the sour fruit startup, was shopping with his kids at a Calabassas, CA Barnes and Noble
The Gazette’s Extrapolation Editor Maggie Magpie speculatively reasons that Cannon was dismayed when his children showed a preference for Big Sour candy, so he rushed to the bookstore to educate them on the benefits of fruit and the blandness and dangers associated with gelatin packed with artificial flavors and dyes
Magpie adds “The Ultimate Sour Sampler Box can be a sensory learning aid during such lessons. Rewarding and challenging young sour scholars with increasing levels of tangy fruit can help bring the lesson to life and increase retention and indoctrination”
