Die-hard fans of hero Qunnie, who have named themselves “The Quokka Flock”, rejoiced this week when footage emerged of her defeating Billton, the miniboss of Strawberry Level 2
Flock member Blossom Opossom called the level completion a triumph for all marsupials claiming that Qunnie “carries all of our hearts in her epigastric pouch”
Stans of Hank’s cheerful sidekick are upgrading their decals and jerseys to reflect Quinnie’s increased sour stamina from eating the sour strawberries
Not all of Gooberland were stoked however, as Billton fans, known as the Quack Pack, raged on dark corners of the web
The incels spread bogus theories on how Quinnie was able to pounce on their demagogue
@redpillton69 posted “it was an inside job, the disgruntled nightwatchman at his Doom Flume slipped Hank and Qunnie the blueprints and gave away his weakness: physical fighting”
YOGURT VIOLATOR BUSTED THANKS TO SOUR BLUEBERRY SUPPLY
Jeff just knew it was Jason
Every morning, Jeff was horrified to learn that his sharpied name on masking tape was breached and his pint of plain greek yogurt was f’ed with
Only his roommate Jason had the means, motive and opportunity to commit the crime, but Jeff had no proof
Not one to invade one’s privacy with cameras, Jeff hired a PI firm to stake out their apartment every night until Jason could be caught in the act
Lead Investigator Dirk Hunch told The Gazette “We were getting nowhere. Through binoculars, we watched Jason play Halo every night for 2 weeks, waiting for him to make his move, but it was just so boring we’d lose focus”
That all changed when Hunch brought a case of Level 3 Blueberries to the stakeout:
“Everytime my mind spiraled down a rabbithole of what went wrong and why I was here when I had dreams of becoming a prosecutor, I just slammed a handful of sour berries and snapped back into focus. When I was able to keep my eyes on this scum until 9:45pm, I saw him open the fridge and plunge his nose into the yogurt tub. Gotcha!”
Hunch presented his client with the evidence which Jeff deemed “too awkward to act on”
