SOUR STRAWBERRY MANGO BANNED FROM LOCAL AMC AFTER MORON LIVESTREAMS MUFASA ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏
- Two things are true: Level 2 Sour Strawberry Mango is the perfect movie snack and eating sour boosts risk taking
- The two immovable facts collided last month when Bulverde, TX teen Chase Skeely brought a bag to a Friday night showing of the Lion King prequel
- Skeely tells The Gazette he was so blown away by Scar’s origin story that he just had to share the experience with his 219 “fans” on TikTok
- Emboldened by the sour synapses in his brain, Skeely began live streaming the live action drama and providing his own commentary like “Bro, I think that monkey is going to end up being Rafiki!”
- The illegal broadcast prompted the Disney corporation to take swift and brutal legal action
- Disney has a history of destroying pirates (look what happened to Johnny Depp) and showed no mercy on Skeely, forcing him to work off his debt playing Lumiere’s nephew (pictured) in the next Descendants spinoff
- The theater has apologized profusely to Disney, and vows to check everyone’s pockets for sour fruit contraband before future screenings
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MEET YOUR MINIBOSS SERIES FOLLOWS UP WITH SHELLSEA
In a continuing series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland’s minibosses. In today’s episode, reporter Phillip Evans-Endicott follows up on his December 2023 interview with Shellsea, the succulent Karen of Crockweiler Beach and miniboss of Blueberry Level 2
- Phillip Evans-Endicott: Hey Shells, how’s the year been minibossing for the Final Boss?
- Shellsea: It has been a dream. Every week I send him a detailed report about the status of the sour blueberries I’m stashing for him and I include a list of every fish who is failing to display proper loyalty
- PEE: Sounds like you’re working hard, how is the Final Boss acting on your intel?
- S: Well, he hasn’t technically ‘responded’ to any of them, but I know he’s just being smart and calculating. Like, I’ve been narcing hard on Milton Milkfish for sleeping in Hank and Quinnie pajamas. I just know one morning he’ll wake up boiling in Filipino sour soup
- PEE: That’s nice. So it’s winter and therefore fewer beachgoers to nag and oppress, how are you spending your time?
- S: I like to spend the shoulder seasons focusing on my other unpaid job. I’m the HOA president of my condo complex
- PEE: Of course you are. Getting your authority fix there?
- S: You bet. I just penned an official letter to an owner assessing a $2,200 fine because his renters put up a porch umbrella that was a full 4 inches above the Uniform Umbrella Stature 6.7.11. God, I hate renters don’t you?
- PEE: Not really, but…
- S: Anyways I gotta go, I’m AirBNB’ing my place to a bunch of Scottish Salmon on spring break. Thanks for the catch up
- PEE: But you said…
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SOUR FRUIT CUSTOMER CLAIMS TECMO SUPER BOWL PREDICTED THE OUTCOME OF THIS YEAR’S BIG GAME
- Since anyone can just say anything now, The Gazette is platforming Final Boss Sour customer Blaine Sullivan of Fairburn, GA who claims Super Bowl LIX was predicted by a game of Tecmo Super Bowl he played with his buddy “Nuts” in his family’s basement on a rainy Saturday back in 1992
- Sullivan says “Me and Nuts played the whole season, me as the Chiefs and him as the Eagles, and we met in the Super Bowl under eerily similar conditions as today”
- How similar? “So like Eagles fans to the Chiefs today, Nuts kept complaining that I was getting lucky and the refs were rigging the game for me. Plus, Nuts would sneak Randall Cunningham up the middle in a move that looks a lot like Jalen Hurts’ tush push”
- So while Cunningham won’t be leading these Eagles, nor will retired RB Christian "The Nigerian Nightmare" Okoye be taking the right sweep 80 yards to the house for the Chiefs, Sullivan predicts the score on Sunday will match that of the ‘92 showdown: Chiefs 63-Eagles 56
- Sullivan added: “Also, Mango Dippers are so sick. Pick up a 4-pack today and get free shipping with promo code: Tecmo”
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BEN FROM TEXAS GRABS THE LAST SPOT AHEAD OF SUPER WEEKEND
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (WINTER '24-'25):
1.VCTRA R - ABQ, NM.....360 bags
2.JS R - MIA, FL........276 bags
3.KT R - ORNG, CA.......240 bags
4.MLDY C - ESLY, SC.....240 bags
5.BN J - CNYN, TX.......240 bags
How many bags have you've defeated?? Message us on Instagram to join the standings.
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Got a Scoop?:
Reach out to us at: scoop@finalbosssour.com
If we run it, you win free stuff!
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