SOUR HISTORIAN DISCOVERS LEVEL 3 CRANBERRIES MATCH THE ANCIENT WARHEAD STANDARD OF 1994 ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏
- The absence of an internationally accepted standard of sourness, or “I-ASS”, has left the debate over what is most sour up to the subjective opinions of amateur sourheads
- However, last week, in a 5-star review of Level 3 Cranberries Amazon shopper and impressive sour historian, Huck, may have finally drawn a line that places Final Boss Sour in some context
- “These are like, as sour as warheads were 30+ years ago!” Huck declared in his February 7 review “Fantastically Sour”
- As most sourheads know, Huck is referring to when Warheads first hit in the market in the early 90’s, before parent complaints of burned tongues and mouth sores forced the organization to turn down the heat
- Huck goes on to praise the taste of the cranberries – “incredibly delicious…11/10” – while declining to mention the taste of the ancient acid balls, an omission that speaks volumes
- Huck’s next project will be comparing Level 2 Blueberries to the 1823 unregulated penny candy “Missouri Mule-Kickers”, which were made mostly of mineral salt deposits and tanning acid
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BRUMBLEBUTT LAUNCHES PUNNY KIDS VALENTINES TO BOOST STRAWBERRY MANGO SALES
- The swashbuckling hippo showed his softer side this week, launching a line of valentines stuffed with his level 2 strawberry mangos
- The valentines feature nautical imagery and original captions from the captain
- Unfortunately, Brumblebutt was only a “sea-level” student and his long voyages have left him with little experience in love, resulting in slow sales of his poetry
- As more of a public service warning than a promotion, The Gazette is publishing a sample of the messages on the cards:
“I’d give a handful of looty for the same of yer booty”
“Ye must be made of sour strawberries, cuz ye make this mango crazy”
“I want to cling to ye like a barnacle”
“Ye have Bette Davis eye”
“Nice rum, where ye from?”
- The creepy misspelled valentines can be purchased in non-participating Walgreens in the greater Jacksonville metro
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WOMAN GETS CHRISTMAS CANTALOUPE NECK TATTOO TO GUILT SOUR FRUIT COMPANY INTO MAKING IT A PERMANENT PRODUCT
- This past December, Felicity Noodleman of Lake Forrest, IL stumbled upon a trailer for Final Boss Sour’s Level 2 Christmas Cantaloupe and decided to give it go
- Noodleman had low hopes for the natural sour treat, but ended up being blown away by the sweet, sour and juicy experience
- She repeat-bought straight away and kept replenishing her stock until one February morning she woke up in horror to see that the December drop was sold out and retired from the website
- After getting non-commital answers from customer service about if and when the product would return, Noodleman decided to let the company know she was serious by getting a full colored tattoo of the product stamped across the front of her neck
- “I’ve never even thought about getting a tattoo before” she said “but I guess nothing has ever meant as much to me as Christmas Cantaloupe. Now Final Boss Sour will see that if I can make it permanent, they can too”
- A representative of the company’s legal department tells The Gazette “We are stunned. I mean, it has Christmas in the title which we thought clearly implied seasonal”
- In a quick move to cover their behinds and buy some time, Final Boss Sour quickly released another batch of the product, which came available to both Noodleman and normal people today
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SARAH FROM MARYLAND CHALLENGES VICTORIA FOR THE SUPER BOWL OF SOUR
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (WINTER '24-'25):
1.VCTRA R - ABQ, NM.....360 bags
2.SRH Z - HNTNGTWN, MD..276 bags
3.JS R - MIA, FL........276 bags
4.MLDY C - ESLY, SC.....240 bags
5.BN J - CNYN, TX.......240 bags
How many bags have you've defeated?? Message us on Instagram to join the standings.
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Got a Scoop?:
Reach out to us at: scoop@finalbosssour.com
If we run it, you win free stuff!
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