It’s the first week of September, which means time to ditch the shorts and flip-flops to pull on flannels and boots even though it’s still sweltering outside
Because the pumpkin patches and haunted hayrides are open and they aren’t going to post your stories for you. You need to do the sweat work
But this year, there’s no need to feel as suffocatingly humid and stupid as that sheep in the hay-strewn petting zone, thanks to Level 4 Sour Green Apples from Final Boss Sour
The paradigm-shifting sour fruit startup has found a way to bag up the autumnal feels of apple picking and the jump scares of a haunted house in a single snack you can enjoy from your air-conditioned apartment
It’s the most a-peel-ing way to beat the heat during the technically still very much summer
COMMUNITY
MEET YOUR MINIBOSS SERIES PROFILES FRENZINE
In a recurring series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland’s minibosses.
In today’s episode, reporter Pablo Uriel Delgado profiles Frenzine, the piranha queen of the Dreadmarsh Depths and miniboss of Pineapple Level 2
Pablo Uriel Delgado: Hiya Frenzine, thanks for taking the time to chat
Frenzine: My pleasure. I am a strong believer in the free press and I always strive for transparency
PUD:Delighted to hear that! You have quite an honorable resume. First female cadet to ever command a frenzy raid…
F: You are referring to the Capybara Carcassing of ‘07? You know I wasn’t even supposed to be on duty that night. My platoon leader was delayed by the murky floodwaters when that juicy capy dropped its paws in our stream…
PUD: The stuff of legends. You were also the first ray-finned fish to be elected to The River of Representatives
F: Yes, public service runs deep through my capillary beds
PUD: So my main question for you is, why are you completely selling out by guarding Level 2 Pineapples for the Final Boss and his sour regime?
F: Oh..um..selling..? Look, things are not what they seem. Hank and Quinnie are not heroes trying to liberate Gooberland from our Dear Leader’s rule. They are irrelevant depraved hacks who should be jailed without due process
PUD: I wasn’t talking about Hank…
F: What do you mean that my whole life has been a series of unprincipled and calculated steps to attain power for the sake of power?
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