YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS THANKSGIVING CANDY!
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This editorial by columnist Bruce Moose is a response to a letter to The Gazette from 8-year-old Virginia O’Toole who writes:
“My big brother took all my Halloween candy. He says he gets all my Christmas candy too. But I get to keep all the Thanksgiving candy. Is there such a thing?”
- Virginia, I understand your skepticism. Now is that time of year where the grocery store candy aisles are purged of everything Halloween and hastily replaced with all things Christmas
- When chocolate pumpkins turn overnight to chocolate santas, and your brother is being a total turd, it can be hard to believe in the quiet magic of Thanksgiving
- But I assure you that yes, Virginia, Thanksgiving candy exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist. And if you believe, you will be rewarded
- Rewarded with a Final Boss Sour Level 1, 2 and 3 Cranberry Multipack to be precise!
- Yes, the paradigm-shifting sour fruit startup created the perfect November treat that has all the tastes of the tart turkey-day relish, blasted with acids to become more sour than Warheads or Toxic Waste
- Your brother is gonna puke up your Halloween hi-chews and Christmas candy canes when he sees you chomping on three levels of sour crans
- And so Virgina, may this Thanksgiving candy live on for a thousand, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, making glad the heart of the holiday
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- Those close to him say they saw this coming
- For six weeks leading up to the 2nd birthday of his return to authoritarian rule, The Final Boss had been dropping increasingly blunt hints over how his minibosses and enforcers should celebrate the occasion
- “He sent me a CustomInk preview of T-shirts with his face on it that said ‘HE IS SO BIRTHDAY’ and typed ‘I would be so embar if you guys wore these lol’” recalls Level 4 Apples miniboss Bigwell
- Knowing that the boss is the kind of guy that needs his birthday to linger, the stooges planned the main event – a once in a year website-wide discount – to last a whole week
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The sale was expected to end today, allowing his minions to return to tormenting the nice critters of Gooberland…until his meltdown last night
- Snitches inside the pungent dungeon tell The Gazette that they heard chair throwing, wet-wailing and Chardonnay-soaked lamentation coming from the tough guy
- “It’s like no one appreciates all the pain and suffering I inflict on them” was one memorable line from the tantrum
- Scrambling to get back in his good graces, Beester quickly raised the sale banners back up and declared that the sale will continue until November 14th
- At which point it is believed the boss will be sick of his own celebration and will move on to other ‘harvesting of the weak’-type activities
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GUY WHO STUFFS LEAVES DOWN PANTS UNFAZED BY LEVEL 3 SOUR STRAWBERRIES
- Residents of the Oneida Corners neighborhood of Queensbury, NY know the risks of leaving raked leaf piles unattended in November
- For years now, a man who only goes by “Roy” has been seen roaming the streets in the late morning, scooping up dry leaves and packing them into his attire
- He began with his socks back in 2014 because he liked the “extra crinkle in his step”
- He gradually moved north and by 2022 his autumn look was best described as “hefty scarecrow”
- Roy told The Gazette that the friction between the sharp edges of leaves and the contact points of waistbands, collars, and cuffs provides what he calls “a manageable and predictable irritation that keeps the bigger dread at bay”
- So it came as no surprise that Roy did not flinch when an amused neighbor handed him an entire bag of Final Boss Sour Level 3 Strawberries
- “The pain made me feel right at home, and the strawberries are fire” Roy said while funneling another warm batch of fire orange sugar maple leaves into his corduroys
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SO SETH GETS ONE WEEK IN THE TOP SPOT BEFORE CLAYTON SNATCHES IT BACK. RIDICULOUS
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (FALL '25):
1.CLYTN A - BLFNT, OH....600 bags
2.STH W - CRML, IN.......504 bags
3.KVN C - CYN CTRY, CA...420 bags
4.TMR N - PCLR, MO.......384 bags
5.OMR A - TNCK, NJ.......372 bags
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