It’s not just you, NFL coaches are indeed rolling out their field goal units in previously punt-forward situations
In fact, in the '24-'25 season, accuracy from 50-54 yards was 76%, up from 56% 20 years ago
And while biohacking trainers and self-inflating turf nerds are lining up to take the credit, The Gazette found that the long ball trend perfectly aligns with the 2024 launch and growth of Final Boss Sour Level 2 Strawberry Mango
Those about to whine about correlation vs. causation can chill knowing that there have been several known sightings of Strawberry Mango wrappers wedged in the webbings of those sideline kicker warm-up nets
Gazette NextGen stats analyst Drew Shrew explains “Eating something extremely sour has been proven to help kickers ditch their shank scares and refocus on the task at hand”
As to why the sour strawberry and sour mango medley, Shrew explains “...there is an inherent duality to the kicker too. He is on the football team, but not really a football player”
COMMUNITY
MEET YOUR MINIBOSS SERIES PROFILES LUGJAW
In a recurring series, The Gazette delves into the personalities of Gooberland’s minibosses.
In today’s episode, reporter Yolana Annalise Kerrigan profiles Lugjaw, foreman at the Rainburn Refinery and miniboss of Pineapple Level 3
Yolana Annalise Kerrigan:Lugjaw, it is wonderful to meet you
Lugjaw: Make it quick toots, I gotta track down which banana-head delivered 25,000 drums of sulfur-soup inhibitor when I specifically ordered nitrogen-based filmers
YAK:What a dingnut. I’ll get right to it. You have converted the distillation towers here into a killer level to protect the Level 3 Pineapples. What was your inspiration?
L: I used to play a lot of Goldeneye as a subadult. One day I was looking at how these industrial towers clashed against the lush nature of the jungle and it reminded me of the final level. I never thought of myself as a Bond-villian, but I guess no one ever does
YAK: Deep. But why have you been lackeying for the Final Boss? His sour-grapes-for-sour-employees program is clearly anti-union and yet you and your men seem to worship him?
L: Because he’s booting out all the capybaras, no one wants those swamp ottomans moping around their backyard
YAK:But don’t..don’t jaguars eat capybaras?
L: One, yes! But a whole wobble of them barking and bluff-charging!? Makes me really scared
LEVEL 2 PEARS ARE THIS YEAR’S TOP ACCESSORY FOR SHOWING OFF TO YOUR HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS WHEN COMING BACK HOME FOR THANKSGIVING
Gazette fashion editor Juliette Crevette discusses this year’s hottest trend
It’s almost time for that magical holiday night that only comes once a year
I’m talking of course about Blackout Wednesday, the night where moderately accomplished city professionals show up at their hometime dive bars and flaunt their pizazz in front of those that never left town
Once I start popping these juicy golden pear spears coated in level 2 sour goodness, Jeb from homeroom will drop his pool cue and drool
And then I will notice that the bulge in the back of Jeb’s Carhartts isn’t a pack of Redman, but instead is also a bag of the same pears
He will say he saw them on TikTok and I will say “I didn’t know y’all had that here” before covering my mouth in horror as I slip back into my hometown drawl
Then we will agree that we never really thought about pears as candy before and simultaneously say “Funny how things change”
The rest of the evening will be a blur that involves Jeb tripping over Uncle Richard on the couch bed and me waking up in my Vampire Diaries-collaged childhood bedroom with pear dust in my hair
