Gazette Human Interest Reporter Jane Crane interviews now 72-year old downtrodden, wheelchair-bound, Charlie Bucket – whose gifted Chocolate Factory was ruthlessly taken over and sold for scraps by private equity ghouls in 2021
Jane Crane: Charlie, you seem…happy again and…you are walking?
Charlie: Yes, you see…
🎶I thought the rest of life would be Nothing but catastrophe But now the sour fruit I need Has suddenly come back to me
Cause I’ve got a golden ticket I’ve got a second chance to try these drops…
(Wobbling to gain his footing for the first time in 4 years)
I missed Yuzu Pineapple Wasn’t in time for Cantaloupe But on Black Friday they came back And now I’m filled with hope
Jane Crane: Run Charlie! Run home to your laptop and order the box today before they sell out forever!
HOLIDAY HAPPENINGS
ONLOOKERS SCATTER AND COLLAPSE AS BRUMBLEBUTT BALLOON RELEASES SOUR GAS OVER GRIMESQUARE THANKSGIVING PARADE
In hindsight, parade grand marshall Charlie Chipmunk admits he should have flagged the late float entry
“It all happened so fast. The Rugrats exhibition was scratched because The Angelica balloon grew warts and then here’s Brumblebutt saying he’s got a 'fair sailin’ substitute' ready to go", says Chipmunk
The parade’s attendees were confused when they saw the giant hippo balloon making its way down Brindway Ave between the Dora The Explorer float and the cast of Mamma Mia
Unlike the revered classic IP represented in the parade, Brumblebutt – the pirate miniboss of Strawberry Mango Level 2 – currently has a Stooge Approval Rate Status (SARS) of 0.6
However it all made sense when during Santa Claus is Coming to Town Brumble’s buttflap opened and 400 cubic meters of Hydrogen sulfide (H₂S) spewed out over parade attendees
The more durable animals in the crowd – armadillos, caimans and the like – were only mildly harmed and made it to their cars and train stops, while more corrodible critters like newts and ducklings lay acid-coated and nostril-enflamed on the sidewalks
Rescue cows worked through the night squirting milk on the exacerbated
The stunt, orchestrated by the Final Boss, served to remind Gooberlandians that the dictator will not rest until every celebration has been turned sour
AUNT ANGELA’S LEVEL 4 SOUR APPLESAUCE THE DARK HORSE CHAMP OF THE TILLMAN THANKSGIVING TABLE
Typically Angela is by far the biggest NPC at the annual Thanksgiving celebration in Virginia Beach, VA
Her sisters Nicole and Tasha duke it out for who can be more inebriated and inappropriate
Angela’s low-energy husband Greg does little to support her and is often preoccupied with beating traffic upon exit
But little did the Tillmans know that Angela spent most of this year getting up on everything Final Boss Sour
She watched the TikToks, brought sampler boxes to work and was recently initiated into the Drop Club
Yes, it’s safe to say Angela made Final Boss Sour a core part of her personality — and she came out to the family when she unveiled her potluck contribution: applesauce made entirely of Level 4 Sour Apples
The sourness corroded Grandpa’s denture bond and sent the falsies clanking across the china
The kids squealed as they dared each other to take on seconds
Nicole was livid when her husband Stefon (gladly) burned off his taste buds before touching her “famous” ambrosia
