CDC Chairman Dim Bissell tells The Gazette that he just learned that the flu shot contains a little bit of flu in it:
“Well I’ve got a better way to spread that around. And it doesn’t involve getting poked by Helen in the Torrence Walgreens next to the locked-up Sudafed”
Bissell says he urges everyone to start sharing their Final Boss Sour Mango Dippers with friends, co-workers and randos on the bus
Bissell claims that the Level 3 Blue Raspberry sour powder will neutralize all the “stank” off the virus and leave fellow dippers with a diluted strain necessary to build up sturdy immunity
For added protection, The CDC recommends picking up the Mango Dipper Variety Pack as a booster. “When Blue Raspberry is mixed with Grape, Apple and Cherry sour powder, your insides get all twinge tangly and your T-cells go goblin mode on invading pathogens”
WAR
YOU’VE HEARD OF ELF ON A SHELF, BUT GET READY FOR...
In what running man game historians are calling a potentially pivotal plot twist, yesterday Hank the Honeybadger landed a finishing uppercut on the wildebeest miniboss and sealed the victory of Strawberry Level 1 for the heroes
Hank and his sour-sensing sidekick Quinnie the Quokka battled past minor and major enemies and several obstacles across the Darengetti Plains level to face off against Beester
“I pierced me bum on a porcupine, that cost two ticks off me life bar” explained Quinnie in her post level interview
When they reached the miniboss stage, Beester was ready for them, doing his 8-bit sidestep shuffle and intermittently puffing smoke out his nostrils
But Hank patiently waited until the sour strength coach’s bum rib was exposed and thrashed the soft spot with his foreclaws
When the wildebeest had taken enough blows to open his vulnerability window, the honeybadger finished him, gaining access to the secret stash of beginner level sour strawberries and liberating the oppressed lion cubs and meerkats of Strawberry Level 1
ARE 4 LEVELS OF SOURNESS REALLY THE WAY TO BUNDLE UP THIS WINTER? Gazette lifestyle editor Lucy Moosey and sports columnist Allan Mallard (who think that no one in the office knows they are having an affair) debate the latest trend in cozying up
Lucy Moosey: Allan, have you heard that couples have been turning to Final Boss Sour’s Level-Up Holiday Bundle to stay warm this season?
Allan Mallard: I absolutely have not until now, Lucy, no
WE MAY NEVER SEE THIS LEVEL OF DOMINANCE EVER AGAIN. CLAYTON COMPLETES A 3 STRAIGHT SEASON 3-PEAT. CAN ANYONE STOP HIM FROM GETTING A GRAND SLAM THIS WINTER?
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (FINAL - FALL '25):
1.CLYTN A - BLFNT, OH....888 bags 2.JNFR A - CDRTWN, GA....624 bags 3.KVN C - CYN CTRY, CA...552 bags 4.STH W - CRML, IN.......552 bags 5.AMR A - CHTNG, TN......468 bags
