SOUR SOCKS: IT’S WHAT THE KIDS WANT THIS CHRISTMAS
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- 1,700 years ago in Asia Minor, St. Nick dropped gold coins into the wet stockings of three girls so that they would be more attractive to marry – their only option to escape poverty
- Today, we’ve kept the tradition of this…wonderful situation…alive by filling the stockings of girls and boys all over the world
- But this year, instead of candy canes and travel toothpastes, kids are asking Santa for Final Boss Sour’s Level 4 Fun-Size Stocking Stuffers!
- Yes, the individually wrapped, brutally sour strawberries that killed it this Halloween are back for Christmas, and they are bringing their kiwi mates along for the sleigh ride
- The kiwi companions are coated in Level 4 Sour Watermelon flavor to keep the kids gorked on sour while they open their Mr. Beast Lab Swarms and Pop Mart plastic…things
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The fun-sized sensation goes on sale today. Get them now to make your stockings more sour than Aunt Enid’s after a night of square dancing. Also great for parties!
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LARDSWORTH OPENS HOLIDAY FOOD BANK TO FILL HIS OWN PANTRY
- Frumpkin Hills Farms has been in the Lardsworth family name since the Blueberry Level 1 miniboss’ great-grandboar savagely wrestled the land from the natives in 1848
- The plantation has enjoyed prosperity for centuries, mostly off of the furry backs of their overworked and underpaid farmpaws
- But this holiday season, the current Lardsworth has bolted on a new income stream: getting villagers to just give him food for free
- The inspiration struck while he was sticking his duct taped hoof into the collections plate at St. Hogistine’s Church
- “People in the back were just bringing canned foods that they bought with their own money, and dropping them in a box for the poor. And some of them were high quality baked beans and cranberry relish!”
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Lardsworth then tied his picker squirrels to his hay wagon, put on a Temu Santa suit, and went door to door collecting “deposits” to his Essential Lardsworthian Food Depository (“ELF’D”)
- To reduce the friction of poor villagers departing with their Christmas dinner sides, the pig brought his Chief Extortionist, Garret Ferret, who has collected compromat on every critter in Frumpkin Hills
- To justify, Lardsworth tells The Gazette “The food is for the needy, and nothing is more needy than the black hole under my sweater vest”
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LOCAL CHEATER SAYS SOUR BERRY SAMPLER HELPS KEEP HIM COOL WHILE KEEPING HIS STORIES STRAIGHT
- Rick Gistis of South Boston, MA currently has three women thinking they are his exclusive girlfriend
- And while his lifestyle choice cruised through the summer and fall, the holiday season has brought a lot of stress
- “I never really appreciated that there was a victim in this setup: me! Plans are coming at me hot, I’m so tapped out I can barely keep track of all my lies” Gistis tells The Gazette
- Fortunately for no one but him, the cheater has found solace in sour fruit provided by scaling startup Final Boss Sour
- Scientists say that eating extremely sour food can ease anxiety
- The scumbag agrees and explains:
The right product for me is the Ultimate Berry Sampler Pack, it helps me calibrate my stress levels depending on the pressure of the moment. I rip Level 1 Strawberries when Shayna wants an IG with me under the trellis lights. Level 2 Blueberries are required when Jordan invites me to the ugly sweater party in Revere where I know Shayna’s cousin Marlene might show. And when Mindy wants me to meet her dad who grew up playing hockey in Dorchester with Jordan’s dad? That’s Level 3 Cranberries time
- A spokesman for Final Boss Sour, when asked to comment, said “Um, happy we can help?”
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FRESH FACE BAR FROM THE BIG APPLE TAKES THE TOP SPOT AS THE WINTER SEASON PUCK DROPS
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (WINTER '25):
1.BAR L - NY, NY.........240 bags
2.MCHL C - STL, WA.......216 bags
3.THLT B - LS ALT, CA....192 bags
4.CLYTN F - ZNSVL, IN....192 bags
5.JWN S - MDWST CTY, OK..180 bags
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