The popsicle-styled sachets are filled with real blueberries, apples and strawberries blasted with level 3 sour natural bomb-pop flavor
Natural bomb pop flavor? Yes, this flavor is harvested by carefully trimming the flowers off of the bomb pop plants in the novelty patch right next to the choco taco trees
And unlike its frozen corn-syrup counterpart, this pop is super sour and great to enjoy in winter
DARTHUR IS SHOWN THE WORLD WOULD BE MUCH BETTER IF HE WERE NEVER BORN. DOESN’T TAKE IT WELL
Darthur’s tenure as miniboss of Mango Level 1 has been tumultuous
His third wife left him for a fire-bellied snake, he was the first Tropical miniboss defeated by Hank and Quinnie, and he was ridiculed at the miniboss Holiday party by Beester for skipping leg day
Last night, drowning in sorrow and eggnog, the dart frog sat perched on the Complainforest Canopy roof, staring down a 1,400 pixel drop, and croaking that he wished he were never born at all
In a Christmas miracle, his wish was temporarily granted by a freshwater angelfish who mostly wanted him to shut up
The dorsal-finned guardian took Darthur on tour of the Complainforest Level, which in this multiverse was called “The Joyleaf Basin”
Instead of rabid fire-feces-flinging howler monkeys this tranquil level featured snuggly cotton-top tamarins handing out bon-bons to welcomed guests
Darthur’s childhood friend Timmy Treesnail was the level’s beloved mayor, and wasn’t burned and bitter from Darthur’s meanspirited middle-school acid prank
And although the miniboss’s three tadpoles somehow still existed in this realm, they were much more well-adjusted and equipped to face adulthood thanks to having a better dad in Marty Milk Frog
When the timer struck midnight, Darthur came to and grappled with the realization that this spiritual intervention had not gone well for him
He made a New Year’s resolution to make things even worse for everyone around him as…revenge?
IN CHANUKAH MIRACLE, LOADED MANGO DIPPER BURNS BRO’S TASTE BUDS FOR EIGHT FULL MINUTES
Stuart Singer (15) of Ossinning, NY had his stash of Final Boss Sour stolen and desecrated by his derpy cousin Jacob
In an act of holiday-inspired courage, Stuart rose up and rebelled, overcoming Jacob’s soft shoves and deadpan stares to reclaim his coveted Level 3 Mango Dipper Variety Pack
What happened next can only be described as a Chanukah miracle: the intense sourness burned Stu’s tastebuds for a full eight minutes! Long enough for him to reload the next strip
“Yo that stuff sometimes burns, but it’s usually for less than a minute and I gotta go chase the kick. This one was truly epic” Singer tells The Gazette
Singer claims the extended burn symbolically represents the triumph of natural sour vibes over Jacob’s gremlin energy
