LOCAL WOMAN'S NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: CUT DEAD-WEIGHT RELATIONSHIP WITH BLAND 'SOUR' GUMMIES
͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏
-
Sullivan, IN: Ashley Conway has spent 12 years in a stagnant, energy-draining relationship with traditional sour candy
- It started in her late teens when she was first courted by a bag of Trolli worms at a Saturday night showing of The Conjuring at the AMC in Terre Haute
- “The packaging was electric and suggested more danger and adventure than my usual Raisinettes” Conway tells The Gazette
- As the years flew by, Conway got more committed to the candy genre, chewing on snakes, strips and soda bottles while she crammed for exams, flew to meet clients, and soothed pregnancy cravings
- Now with two kids and her own law practice, Conway has begun to take stock of her relationship with gelatin and sour dust
- “Looking back, all these gummies are just…mid. I’m not sure if they’re even sour. In 2026 I’m making a change”
- Just yesterday, Conway cleared out her pantry and the bottoms of her carry-on totes and replaced her stash with a stockpile of Final Boss Sour
- “With gelatin I was settling. With sour fruit I am thriving. This candy is actually really sour and so much more flavorful. My only regret is not doing this sooner”
- The Gazette reached out to Conway’s internist who is also pleased with the reduction in food dyes and preservatives in her and her children’s diets and her dentist, who was indifferent, but asked us to ask her to floss more while also admitting “No one flosses enough for us”
|
|
BILLTON BOILING OVER AT SANDWICH SHOP; DUCK FRUSTRATED BY SEASONAL STAFF
- “Where is Mort or Tabitha!? Do you know who I am? I’m here every Thursday!” were among the high-volume honks heard yesterday at Seb’s Sub Shop in the stripmall off Exit 67/Doom Flume Drive
- The ruffled-feathered miniboss of Strawberry Level 2 was uninterested to learn that it was New Year’s Day and his usual waitstaff were on holiday
- The fracas began when Billton was informed he could not have his usual lunch “a 6-inch Italian Herbs and Cheese roll with nothing on it, lightly toasted, broken up into half dollar-sized chunks and tossed to him in the rusty pond behind the store’s dumpster”
- The seasonal help, two acne-faced teen yearlings, were unaware that such an unorthodox order was allowed and instead tried to upsell the engineer of the Doom Flume into a footlong meatball parm combo meal
-
Billton threatened to sour the young deer’s watering hole with malic acid before the floating manager Ozzie Osprey brokered a peace offering: Billton agreed to give one pouch of his Level 2 Strawberries in exchange for an apology and some Sun Chips
|
|
JAKE CANTER'S LEVEL 3 BOMB POP NOW THE LEADING CAUSE OF E.R. VISITS IN LOCAL SKI TOWN
- Mammoth Lakes, CA: A spokesman for Mammoth Mountain said “We get it, the flavor combo is fire, its sour and delicious, but we gotta chill on the risk-taking”
- The resort has reported an uptick in dislocated shoulders, ankle sprains and fractured funny bones caused by skiers and snowboarders hospital-maxxing on terrain and tricks that are absolutely not in their skill tree
- E.R. doctors have attributed this spike to consumption of Jake Canter’s Level 3 Big Air Bomb pop, the December Drop by Final Boss Sour that has become super popular with west coast shredders
- Faced with potentially damaging press, the sour fruit startup made the following controversial statement to the The Gazette
- Eating extremely sour candy has been proven to promote healthy risk-taking. While we acknowledge the temporary pain and waiting room congestion caused by these injuries, we stand firm and consider these healthy risks. If bro hadn’t been chewing on the sour apple and multi-berry medley, he wouldn’t have pushed his boundaries by going full send over Potato Rock. His elbow will bend back to normal over time, but his newly found self confidence will last a lifetime. Just please wear a helmet folks
|
|
CLAYTON ROLLS INTO THE NEW YEAR BY ENDING IN FIRST PLACE
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (WINTER '25):
1.CLYTN A - BLFNTN, OH...336 bags
2.KATH S - TIN FLS, NJ...264 bags
3.ROB J - ORL, FL........252 bags
4.BAR L - NY, NY.........240 bags
5.TRV P - ORNG, CA.......216 bags
|
|
Got a Scoop?:
If we run it, you win free stuff!
|
|
No longer want to receive these emails? {% unsubscribe %}.
{{ organization.name }} {{ organization.full_address }}
{% web_view 'Open in your browser' %}
|
|
|
|
|
