IRRATIONALLY UPSET, BRO GOES ALL OUT TO COAT YOGURT IN SOUR BLUEBERRIES
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Warren, MI – 48-year-old Roger Milk ordered a snack off of an Amtrak dining car menu labeled “blueberries”, his favorite fruit
- But when he opened the twee-branded bag he was disgusted to discover that they were yogurt coated blueberries
- “It’s like they took a ribeye steak and stuffed it in an oven mitt!” growled Milk
- When he disembarked in Dearborn, the software salesman began plotting revenge, not against the offending snack brand, but against yogurt itself
- “Let’s see how you like being coated in blueberries” he muttered as he prowled the produce aisle of Meijer, seething
- But then he paused “This won't do it...any protein would be stoked to be blanketed by blueberries”
- Just then, Roger was hit with an SMS from Final Boss Sour and something clicked. He menacingly twiddled his fingers and chortled “Level 3 Sour Blueberries will do the trick, those cultures will curdle when covered in acid-coated antioxidants"
- What happened next they say, can only be described as inexplicable
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FINAL BOSS REWRITES THE HISTORY OF HIS CONQUEST OF SOUTH GOOBERLAND
- “We were happy tourists visiting a total hellhole, welcomed by happy critters who needed to be destroyed and dominated. It was a real love fest” now states the official website of the Final Boss’ secret slophole, published to honor the one year anniversary of the colonization of South Gooberland and the launch of the Ultimate Tropical Sampler Pack
- The new digital atrocity sourwash includes alternative facts such as “The Guava Gulpers of Level 3 Kiwis were very nasty to us with their unhinged hind legs and their blank stares. The crop dusting of citric acid made them much friendlier, quite frankly”
- The mansplainafesto claims that the rainforest ecosystem was “too moist” under the democratically elected leadership of Margaret Manatee and that Darthur’s rule is “better”
- The Boss’ crude conquest of the Rainburn Refinery is described as a fair trade: “We got the resources, they got their much-needed paddling”
- Meanwhile, the section of the mocktrine that covers Hank and Quinnie’s mission to liberate South Gooberland and the locals’ unwavering, albeit silenced, support of their mission says “and look at these Mango Dippers we made, so sour, so good!”
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LEVEL 4 SOURANGES DECLARED AN ESSENTIAL PART OF ANY PSYCHOPATHS’ BREAKFAST
- The good folks of Florida have for years been preaching the benefits of a tall glass of OJ to wash down your eggs and Cheerios each morning
- But the message, while well intended, overlooks and frankly offends a protected group: psychopathic sourheads
- One company understands this and has set out to address the inequity. Candy brand Final Boss Sour last summer dropped Level 4 Souranges, an absolute missile to the endocrine system
- These real orange slices smothered in Level 4 sour coating are proven to be a better pick-me-up than your morning Joe and are guaranteed to make your bacon taste like Froot Loops
- And now, sourheads can enjoy them as a cornerstone of the Level Up Bundle, a balanced breakfast of twinge tangly astringency recommended by the Gooberland Department of Sour Agriculture
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TREVOR FROM ALASKA REPRESENTING THE NON-CONTIGUOUS 2 CONFERENCE IN THE TOP 5
SOURHEAD RANKINGS (WINTER '25):
1.CLYTN A - BLFNTN, OH...396 bags
2.KATH S - TIN FLS, NJ...264 bags
3.TRV K - PDRH BY, AK....264 bags
4.MLS B - BRNSWK, OH.....264 bags
5.ROB J - ORL, FL........252 bags
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